I am feeling a little out of control these days as evidenced by my lack of posting, and my previous post, in which I believe I used the word FUCK several times.
I am still saying a lot of ‘Fucks’, but for different reasons. Shall we start from the beginning?
I used to love my job, I would get up each morning, get dressed, do my hair, even throw on some mascara. I would socialise with my co-workers, talk about TV, gossip about other co-workers, bitch about my husband. I was making decent enough wages, had full benefits, 3 vacation weeks a year, and a boss who appreciated me. That was before I opened my own home childcare after having Miss P.
I have had some serious job dissatisfaction of late. I am tired of unappreciative parents, I am tired of working 10.5 hour days making less than minimum wage per child. I am tired of the vomit, shit, and other bodily fluids I encounter on a daily basis. Let’s just say on a scale of one to ten, I often feel about a minus fifteen. Overall, the children I work with are lovely. Several of them I have had with me since they were a year old. I have seen many firsts, and enjoyed them. It’s the other crap I hate.
I am stuck in this job for at least two more years, so I have started to examine my life, and make changes for myself, to help me feel better, be a better Mum, and caregiver to the children I work with. I have begun small meditations before bed each night, reminding myself to be patient, kind and loving to everyone in my life. It doesn’t always work, but I feel better. I joined a gym, and have been going religiously for 3 weeks. I go 4 days a week, and mix classes in with machines. I am loving it, it has been a HUGE stress relief and the physical results don’t suck either. I have an amazing workout buddy that I have really begun to value as a friend. She is getting me through the tough shit with humour and her practical “deal with it” attitude. To go with my new-found love of the gym, I have been eating super clean. My body is my temple and I should treat it as such…I’ve always thought of that as a crock of shit, I still do, but belive it or not, I really do feel better.
In amongst all of my ‘life changes’, my husband, who has been doing his own soul-searching has finally decided to go back to school. Yep, the guy with double major university degree, who spends his days designing and making signs is going back to school. He has chosen to take a Personal Support Worker programme that has been consolidated into 9 months in the evening, allowing him to work full-time in the day.
This is a big FUCK. On one hand, I am so proud, excited, and amazed that he is entering such a noble field, on the other hand, I am scared shitless. How am I going to handle my life, and essentially being a single parent? How am I going to juggle swimming lessons, karate, my gym time, my job, cooking, cleaning, and some semblance of a family life on my own?
S has been MY rock, my “go to” guy. He is the one I bitch to, complain to, yell at, and cry to when I am having another terrible day. In September, I will only see him in the morning for an hour, and then on the weekends. He will leave at 8:45 am, and be home at 11:00pm each night. How am I not going to lose it? How am I going to support the guy who gives me all the support? FUCK!
So, what I have decided for the next two months, is to forget about school, forget about the impending life changes, forget about my crazy job, and I am going to focus on me. I am going to focus on me getting stronger, healthier – both physically and mentally, I am going to focus on being a better wife, and mother. I am worth it, and seeing how much I am giving up in the fall, I think I have the right to be selfish right now.
So, on that note, Fuck, here’s to all the good stuff that’s going to happen this summer.