I wish I had been able to write the following post:
It was written in a blog called ‘Great Smitten’. I throughly enjoy the blog, I suggest you read some of her stuff.
Anyways, I digress. Her post yesterday was about this amazing friend she has, who she has been friends with since college, they have been through it all together, and have managed to stay true friends through it all. I can’t write a post like that. Not because I can’t write, but because I don’t seem to keep friends for long periods.
That sounds really bad. I have many friends, men and women I chat with daily, weekly and monthly, but I don’t have that best friend. I don’t have that person who I know I can tell ANYTHING to and they won’t judge me, or the situation.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and why this is the case. I think I have a few theories but who knows, I could be way off base.
Firstly, for me, I think people come into my life for a reason, that reason may not be clear at first, but, I think that everyone I know has a purpose. That purpose might be for their benefit or mine, but when that purpose has been fulfilled, then like the wind they are gone again. They may pop up in the future, they may just stay where they are. I’m not upset with this, it’s just the way it is.
A few years ago when I was on maternity leave I met an amazing woman named Jen. She also had a ‘freshie’ as we like to call newborns – straight out of the oven so to speak. We became fast friends, she was new to the city and would only be here for a year or two while her partner finished her midwifery training. Jen and I hung out with our girls at least weekly, and often got through cold winter days and night-time feedings on the phone or texting for hours on end. Eventually Jen had to go back to Toronto, unfortunately it came sooner than either one of us expected, but she had to go. That year, Jen and I had shared so many ‘firsts’ with each other that we couldn’t share with our working partners. When her daughter sat up for the first time I got a picture and a phone call with a “WOOOO HOOOOOOO!”, when my daughter was cutting 3 teeth at the same time Jen listened to me whine and cry as she held my crying, whiny baby. Jen was put into my life because during that part of my life, I needed someone like me, with similar values, and interests. I needed someone who was just as new at the Mummy Game, as I was. Jen and I remain friends, but it will never be the same. I miss her terribly, but again, it is what it is.
I have a few friends from Highschool, again, we are friendly and I value them, but we were much closer in highschool, sharing lockers, stories about boys we had crushes on, and cursing the fact that we had to wear collars for our school dress code in the 30 degree temperatures.
I often wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. Am I not attentive enough, am I a shitty friend? Don’t I call enough or hang out enough? Perhaps I am a selfish friend, making it solely about me, but I don’t think so. I think part of my problem is the opposite. I give all I have and am often let down. I know that I might intimidate people because I am passionate about certain things, but I am always willing to listen to different points of view, and can even be swayed if your argument is good!
Ugh, I really don’t know.
All of the above being said, I’m not sure I will ever have what Faith has in the Great Smitten. I think I am ok with the way my friendships work. I don’t begrudge anyone who has faded out of my life, and generally they seem to fade back in again when the time is right. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded with people who love and care for me…even if it is just for a short time.