Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Tired. April 3, 2012

“] I feel like I’m barely holding it together here folks.

My life has been upside down for 7 months, and I’m not sure when the ‘crazy’ will end. I don’t know how much more I have to give. I feel like I am floundering, and failing at pretty much everything.

Let me preface this by saying, I’m not looking for solutions, advice, or pity. I am just a struggling Mama, and I’m doing the best I can with the skills and resources that I have.

Any of my regular readers know that my partner Shaughn has been in school since September, he went back to school to become a personal support worker, his hopes are to gain employment working in palliative care. He is currently also working full-time. Herein lies the problem.

My daughter Paisley is having an even harder time than I am. She is teary, upset, and angry, She doesn’t understand. She sees Shaughn for a grand total of 1 hour in the morning. During that hour it is showers, dressed, breakfast, I can’t help her, she misses her Daddy. She is taking her hurt out on me.

I see Shaughn for about the same amount of time. I might see him for a few minutes at night, but after a 15 hour day he and I are both done. We talk about the bills, the laundry, and the next days agenda. then goodnight.

I feel like I am failing as a mother, partner, daughter, caregiver. I am angry, I am tired. I am so tired. I feel like I am being pulled in 6 different directions, and I can’t find my footing. I have tried for so long, but it just isn’t happening.

I am heading out-of-town for a few days, hopefully some R&R. I need to regroup and refocus. I am excited that Shaughn and P will get some much-needed bonding time. I am sad that I will miss Easter, and my family, but I think I need to look after myself now. I need a change of scenery, I need to escape my 4 walls and just be Christa for a few days.

I know some people have expressed that I am being selfish, I should be with my child and family, and to these people I say ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’. Spend an entire day doing what I do, then tell me you can do it for 8 months, day in and out, without a break. I can tell you now, there are not too many people who can.

So, yes, I am being selfish. I am ok with it. I need it.

So, hopefully after this mini holiday, I will be in a better place to start my blogging regularly again. I will find the motivation to take a few minutes every few days for myself to write.

See y’all on the flip side yo!


11 Responses to “Tired.”

  1. jensine Says:

    I don’t think you are being selfish … you are doing it for you but also for your family, what good would it do if you broke down one day because you couldn’t find time to regroup. And who cares what others think anyway, it’s your life, your feeling as and only you can know what is best for you. Head up and a virtual hug from Dublin

    • Christa Cox Says:

      Thanks Jensine!
      I am very much looking forward to just some quiet time, with a great friend.
      Hopefully the time away will help me to be more effective in my real life when I get home!
      Virtual Hugs are Great! Thanks!

  2. Danielle Says:

    Girl, you go, and do what’cha gotta do to get you over this next hump. P & S will be fine without you, and will love spending the time together anyway. Everyone has sacrificed so that S can complete his schooling hopefully get a job doing what he will love to do. He has sacrificed too, working hard, spending the time away from his family. It gets to a point where you have to do what you need to do to help you be happy. You’ll be a much better spouse, parent and person if you’ve had the time away to be you for a while. There’s no shame in that, and everyone else can go bag their ass.
    I’m sure you’re doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for. We are always our toughest critics. And it’ll all be worth it in the end when school is done, he is employed as a personal shit wiper (that’s what Joe calls it and he says it with a smile – he also says it’s the most rewarding job in so many ways) and live settles down into normalcy.
    Keep your chin up babe – and enjoy your weekend. 🙂

  3. Off Duty Mom Says:

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

    That sounded dirty, maybe, but that is not how I meant it. 🙂

    I feel like a shitty parent, wife, daughter, employee, person EVERY DAY. I am not deeply depressed and I don’t fantasize about jumping from a bell tower, but being a mom is VERY HARD WORK and it can suck and not enough moms are honest with one another about that. I completely hear what you are saying here. It is like you sucked the thoughts out of my brain and put them on your blog. Thief.

    Check out my blog, not because I am trying to shamelessly promote myself, but because you need to see that someone else has been thinking these things for months now, too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


    • Christa Cox Says:

      Thank you for your lovely comments. I am just as I said, tired.
      My partner is doing all he can, and I don’t begrudge him in the slightest, I don’t think either of us expected the sacrifices that were going to be made in order for him to be successful in school.
      Running a very busy home childcare, hosting an international student, and having a four year old has just decimated me!!!!
      I forget what my ‘normal’ life was, many of my friends have just dropped off the face of the earth.
      I think all Mums should get a Mummy vacation. 5 days to themselves.
      Anyways, thank you again. It IS encouraging to know I’m not alone in this crazy parenting ocean.

  4. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Anyone who says you’re being selfish is looking for ways to feel better about themselves, which says much more about them than about you.

    The time we take away allows us to continue doing the things it’s hard to do. I hope yours is both restful and fulfilling, and gives you what it takes to endure until things become calmer.

  5. whoselliot Says:

    Hugs my friend!!

  6. Sam Says:

    Ugh Take me with you!!!!! you are not selfish at all. I can’t wait to leave my kids next winter to go somewhere hot! I am counting down the months. I have never had more than 2 days alone without kids. Hoping at my plans workout and I can leave them i hope to spend 10 glorious days without them. This mom and dad (len) need a break so bad! I hope you have a great time this weekend! Love you Lots hugs 🙂

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