Yep, that’s right y’all.
Uterine cancer to be precise. Uterine-Fucking-Cancer.
I’m 35, and I have cancer. I can barely type the words let alone wrap my head around the ramifications that singular word has.
When I saw the doctor today, I was not expecting him to say anything other than fibroids, and hey ‘we have a treatment for that’, instead I got ‘you have blah blah blah stage one uterine cancer. Your treatment is to have a hysterectomy and we are also removing your ovaries blah blah blah’ I felt like Peppermint Patty listening to the teacher in Charlie Brown.
So yeah. Cancer has once again invaded my family, and now, my life.
How the hell did this happen? How the hell am I going to deal with this shit? I feel like my body has betrayed me. I feel like I have this horrible thing happening to me and there is not a bloody fucking thing I can do about it. All I can do it sit and wait for a surgery date, while it grows. Waiting.
I’m not very good at waiting, I’m not good at things that I can’t control. I’m not good at putting my feelings and thoughts into other people’s hands. I’m not good at letting other people in. I’m just not good at any of it.
I’m a ‘doer’ I get stuff done. I find solutions, I figure things out. I dissect and analyse. I don’t dive into things head first. I have control issues. I make lists, I get answers. I research, I don’t get emotional. Today, I am emotional, I can’t fix a thing. I can read, but my head hurts from all the reading. The answers are good, the news is encouraging, but still nagging in the back of my head is the other statistics, the not so good ones. I have a million decisions to make, but I don’t know where to begin.
I have a child, I have a business, I just don’t have time for cancer. I don’t have time to feel shitty all the time, I already am perpetually tired, doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I never feel rested enough. I don’t have time to take 8 weeks off to recover from surgery. Hopefully that’s all it will be, hopefully no chemo or radiation. If it comes down to that I will have to close the daycare.
I’m so scared. My daughter needs her mummy. I need her.
Cancer is my Bitch, I am going to Own this, and destroy it. There are no other options!
Cancer Is My Bitch July 2, 2012