Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

The End February 20, 2013

I am closing out this blog.

I love it, but for so long, so much of it has been sad and negative, I feel that I have moved on with my life, and with my new chapters unfolding, I need to create a new space to write in.

Thank you for all reading my crap, for sending me positive thoughts and love. It’s amazing what an online community can do for ones spirits when things are tough.

I have started a new blog, a new space, a place to share my excitement and joy. Please feel free to follow me there, I will once again be blogging regularly, I need to write, and I need a blank canvass!

Love and hugs to you all!

Find me at: http://www.simplysomeday.wordpress.com

Christa

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Bluesy Tuesday… July 3, 2012

Not a super day….

I had an awful night. I couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep I was woken up by nightmares, often crying.

I hate that, it’s bad enough to have a bad sleep, but to wake up crying is the worst. I just think I am still trying to wrap my head around a million things. I can’t do it during the day as I am too busy to think about a pee break, let alone, how the hell I am going to deal with all this.

I had to tell my daycare parents about my diagnosis. There were lots of sad faces this morning as children were dropped off for the day. Everyone wanted a hug, I just couldn’t do it. If I hugged any of them, I would have lost my shit. Not something I want to do in front of the kids (or parents for that matter).

I know everyone wants to support me, everyone wants to let me know it’s going to be ok, and in my heart I know that too, but still there is still the doubt, and fear of the unknown. I don’t know how to accept the support. I’m usually the one giving it, I have a really hard time being on the other side of it. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself. I never want to be perceived as weak. I want the world to see me as a confident, headstrong, rock, not how I really feel which is a quivering pile of gelatinous goo…nice image eh?

I push people away, I redirect focus away from myself. I tell people I don’t need help, that I can do this on my own. In most ways I have to do it on my own, no one can do it for me, but by the same token, if I could just LET PEOPLE IN, I know I wouldn’t feel the same burden.

Ugh, I really don’t know how to do it. I wish I did, and I’m trying, but failing miserably. I know it, the people closest to me know it, I just don’t know how to reach out and say ‘Sure, I need help, I need support, I feel like I am falling into oblivion and I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out’. After doing things my way for 35 years, how do I change my thinking and my actions? How do I raise Paisley to be able to accept help but still remain strong and independent if  I can’t role model that for her?

So my goal this week is to be open to accepting help, it will be to answer the question “How are you?” honestly. If I am having a crap day then I’ll let people know, if I’m ok, I’ll answer that too. We’ll see how it goes, I have 35 years of walls to break down…that’s a lot of bricks y’all!

 

Hope Is Better Than Fear July 2, 2012

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.
Jack Layton

Hope is better than Fear, Optimism better than despair.

For a year, longer than the last week; these words have resonated with me.

I am a political junkie, and the quote was written by one of the most influential Canadian politicians of my time. Sadly Jack Layton lost his battle with cancer almost a year ago. During his last days he wrote a letter to all Canadians that ended with the quote:

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

I have tried to be both hopeful and optimistic this last week, I will not let fear, or anger rule my life; although I have plenty of both.

I am not going to lie, this week has been tough, for many reasons; work, relationship, kiddo, and cancer. Cancer seems to be the things that is at the forefront of it all. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, it’s just there. It’s not even that I am sad about it all the time, or upset. Often its indifference, but it’s still there.

I know deep down that all of this is going to be ok, I know that I am strong, and healthy otherwise. I know that as sacred as I am that things have spread, they haven’t, I have to believe it. I know that while I have to wait to deal with all this shit, there are so many other women who don’t have the luxury of a few extra days…

I have been trying to put my life into some sort of perspective, which hasn’t been easy when it is all upside down. I’m trying to think of this as just a bump in the road, a blip on the chart. Today it feels like a mountain to climb, not a bump, but tomorrow will be better. It’s when I have time to sit and think, that my head gets the better of me. When I am surrounded by the kids and chaos of daycare I don’t have time to think about much. This was a long weekend up here in Canada, so lots of downtime where my brain has sometimes gotten the better of me. Paisley spent a night at her grandparents, and yesterday I spent the majority of the day asleep in bed. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying not to think…kind of a vicious circle.

I have a few amazing friends (you know who you are) that are calling, texting, and checking in. I love them, right now they are the ones helping me to keep my head up. There are others that I thought would be there who in a short time have dropped off the face of the earth…how lovely.

My goal for the next few days, is not to tread water, but to swim. To try and grab life, shake the shit out of it, and live it. I don’t like walking around in this fugue state. I want to see the colours, smell the air, and feel the breeze.

Wish me luck!

 

Cancer Is My Bitch

This is the face of someone with cancer….

Yep, that’s right y’all.

C-A-N-C-E-R.

Uterine cancer to be precise. Uterine-Fucking-Cancer.

I’m 35, and I have cancer. I can barely type the words let alone wrap my head around the ramifications that singular word has.

When I saw the doctor today, I was not expecting him to say anything other than fibroids, and hey ‘we have a treatment for that’, instead I got ‘you have blah blah blah stage one uterine cancer. Your treatment is to have a hysterectomy and we are also removing your ovaries blah blah blah’ I felt like Peppermint Patty listening to the teacher in Charlie Brown.

So yeah. Cancer has once again invaded my family, and now, my life.

How the hell did this happen? How the hell am I going to deal with this shit? I feel like my body has betrayed me. I feel like I have this horrible thing happening to me and there is not a bloody fucking thing I can do about it. All I can do it sit and wait for a surgery date, while it grows. Waiting.

I’m not very good at waiting, I’m not good at things that I can’t control. I’m not good at putting my feelings and thoughts into other people’s hands. I’m not good at letting other people in. I’m just not good at any of it.

I’m a ‘doer’ I get stuff done. I find solutions, I figure things out. I dissect and analyse. I don’t dive into things head first. I have control issues. I make lists, I get answers. I research, I don’t get emotional. Today, I am emotional, I can’t fix a thing. I can read, but my head hurts from all the reading. The answers are good, the news is encouraging, but still nagging in the back of my head is the other statistics, the not so good ones. I have a million decisions to make, but I don’t know where to begin.

I have a child, I have a business, I just don’t have time for cancer. I don’t have time to feel shitty all the time, I already am perpetually tired, doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I never feel rested enough. I don’t have time to take 8 weeks off to recover from surgery. Hopefully that’s all it will be, hopefully no chemo or radiation. If it comes down to that I will have to close the daycare.

I’m so scared. My daughter needs her mummy. I need her.

Cancer is my Bitch, I am going to Own this, and destroy it. There are no other options!

 

Live Like We’re Dying April 15, 2012

Kris Allen – Live Like We’re Dying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbfeSImDntw&ob=av2e

I heard this song for the first time today, I love it. I love the message. Live, like it’s your last day, what would you do with your life? Would you live it the same way?

We are all given such a short time here, our lives are so fleeting. Some days seem to go on forever, we get caught up in the crazy, we don’t take time to appreciate the beauty and joy around us. God knows I’m guilty of it.

There are only 86,400 seconds in a day. That’s it. How do you spend those seconds? Do you live with regret, not doing something that you know you should have done, wishing that you could go back and make a different decision in your life? Do you speak your mind, or do you not; afraid of who might not like what comes out. Are you scared, do you let that fear control parts of your life?

Human nature is to be safe. We play safely, wearing our protective equipment, we buckle up. (I’m not suggesting we not do either of these things.) But we don’t generally take risks with our lives, our decisions, our hearts.

What would happen if we started to live more authentically? Would we be hurt more often, or would we benefit from our honesty? Would we enjoy our lives more? Taking the job we love, versus taking the job that pays more, or by taking a leap of faith and telling someone we love them when we know it may never be reciprocated. If we all started to live our lives differently would we be happier?

Would we be more tolerant? Would we start putting faith into more things that just don’t make sense but seem real?

What would you do if you lived like you were dying?

 

 
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