Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

The End February 20, 2013

I am closing out this blog.

I love it, but for so long, so much of it has been sad and negative, I feel that I have moved on with my life, and with my new chapters unfolding, I need to create a new space to write in.

Thank you for all reading my crap, for sending me positive thoughts and love. It’s amazing what an online community can do for ones spirits when things are tough.

I have started a new blog, a new space, a place to share my excitement and joy. Please feel free to follow me there, I will once again be blogging regularly, I need to write, and I need a blank canvass!

Love and hugs to you all!

Find me at: http://www.simplysomeday.wordpress.com

Christa

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‘Hi, My Name Is Christa…And My World Is Falling Apart’ July 19, 2012

Support Me…

“Hi Christa”….

It’s always interesting to me that support comes from places you would least expect it to come from.

That person you haven’t talked to in a year, an old ‘frenemy’ who heard-through-the-grapevine-and-just-had-to-call, or your neighbour from when you were 5.

This week I attended my local, monthly PFLAG meeting. For those of you unfamiliar with PFLAG (Parents and Friends for Lesbians and Gays, although the door is WIDE open for anyone involved in the LGBTQQ community) it is a monthly support group that I attend to support someone close to me. It is a wonderful, open, caring, and safe space that basically you can talk about whatever you are dealing with. I normally don’t share much. Just the usual, ‘Hi, my name is Christa, I am an Ally, my friend____________ is ______________ and I am here to help support them’ I then usually go into our relationship a bit and yadda yadda yadda. PFLAG in a short time has become something that I feel quite passionate about. The sense of love, compassion, care, and openness within the group always leaves me feeling that all is well with the world, even if it is just for 2 hours on a Monday night once a month.

This meeting was a little different. It was quite large, at least 20 or so people, there were a number of very unfortunate issues happening with some of our group, and there were some lovely new faces. One Ally attended from as far away as Texas. I was one of the last people to speak, and had planned on just doing my usual routine, but the leader (who is also a friend) encouraged me to open up and ‘spill it’ (Ohhhh Lori, I do so Love you!). So yes, everything just kinda came tumbling out, I felt like I couldn’t stop…the words just kept coming, separation, parenting, friends, sadness, Cancer, anger, surgery, scared, gaaaaah. It was strange and surreal. Here I was baring my soul to a room full of strangers for the most part. Very disconcerting. And yet I talked. It was odd being the one who needed support vs. being the supporter. But there everyone was with horrified looks on their faces, the ‘OHMIGOD’ expression as I like to call it. I’m getting used to that look, it’s funny, I can picture people’s faces on the phone when I tell them…

So other than absolute shameless promotion of PFLAG (which is an AMAZING organisation, and I highly recommend anyone who has ties to the LGBTQQ community check them out. They are world-wide, free, and a wealth of knowledge, support, and love.) I guess I am using this post to say, I’m finding support in the oddest of places.  I am continually surprised when someone calls or emails me to let me know they are thinking of me.

Onwards and Upwards, Oncology on Monday (totally freaking out but Ohhhh Welll)`

PFLAG (main site) http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=194

PFLAG Canada http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.php

 

The Walk Before The Run April 25, 2012

We all have to start somewhere...

We all have to start somewhere right? We aren’t born doing all the amazing things we can do as adults. We have to learn to feed ourselves, to talk and walk. We learn empathy, how to appropriately express our feelings of happiness, anger, joy and sorrow.

We don’t know anything, and everything is a learning process. This continues our whole lives, through school, through relationships, through jobs, and through our surroundings.

I have thought a lot about what I am learning about myself lately. I’ve taken time to examine who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. Figuring out how I am going to get there, and what I need to do to reach the finish line.

My life wasn’t easy growing up, it wasn’t horrible by any stretch, but it wasn’t easy. I always felt that I had to live up to my parents standards, even when I tried my hardest, I still failed in their eyes. They loved me fiercely, and still do. I’m blessed to have them both as a huge part of my life. I still find myself reaching to meet their expectations, but I allow myself to fail now. I’m ok with it, even if they aren’t.

I spent a lot of my teenage years in turmoil, bouts with depression, relationships that weren’t good for me, drinking, drugs, doing stupid things just to make my pain stop. Of course none of it worked. I still managed to keep up a good average at school, and got into college with no problem. I was taking law, but dropped out after a semester. It just wasn’t me. I was bound by all these rules, I’m not much for conformity.

After dropping out, I volunteered, I travelled a bit, I needed to find out who I was, what I needed to do with my life. I needed to slow down, and look at my life. I had always done what others wanted me to do, and pushed down what I wanted for myself.

After a year of no school, I re-applied and was accepted into the Early Childhood Education programme, where I finally felt at home. I was in my element. I could get down and dirty with a bunch of two-year olds and go home at night, happy. I’ve never had a super paycheck, BUT I get a lot more out of my job.

I had to try one thing in college first before settling on what I really loved and needed for my life.

I find myself in a situation now, where my life is up in the air, Shaughn is still in school, rarely home, I’m a mummy who does it all. I’m learning the ropes still, 8 months later. It’s painfully slow, and some days I don’t know if I can do it. I just think I have it figured out, and wham, something stops me in my tracks, and I have to start over again.

One day I’ll run again, one day this will figure itself out, and I will find my footing.

 

Live Like We’re Dying April 15, 2012

Kris Allen – Live Like We’re Dying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbfeSImDntw&ob=av2e

I heard this song for the first time today, I love it. I love the message. Live, like it’s your last day, what would you do with your life? Would you live it the same way?

We are all given such a short time here, our lives are so fleeting. Some days seem to go on forever, we get caught up in the crazy, we don’t take time to appreciate the beauty and joy around us. God knows I’m guilty of it.

There are only 86,400 seconds in a day. That’s it. How do you spend those seconds? Do you live with regret, not doing something that you know you should have done, wishing that you could go back and make a different decision in your life? Do you speak your mind, or do you not; afraid of who might not like what comes out. Are you scared, do you let that fear control parts of your life?

Human nature is to be safe. We play safely, wearing our protective equipment, we buckle up. (I’m not suggesting we not do either of these things.) But we don’t generally take risks with our lives, our decisions, our hearts.

What would happen if we started to live more authentically? Would we be hurt more often, or would we benefit from our honesty? Would we enjoy our lives more? Taking the job we love, versus taking the job that pays more, or by taking a leap of faith and telling someone we love them when we know it may never be reciprocated. If we all started to live our lives differently would we be happier?

Would we be more tolerant? Would we start putting faith into more things that just don’t make sense but seem real?

What would you do if you lived like you were dying?

 

A Letter To My Friends… March 14, 2012

Dear Friends,

Thank you for being wonderful, thank you for taking the time to listen, to laugh, and to try to understand me. Thank you for not trying to fix me, or my life. I don’t need fixing, I need a shoulder, and yours are ever so broad.

Thank you for showing me the lines in the sand aren’t always as they seem, that no issues are black and white; there are often undertones of grey and  blue. Thank you for accepting  my idiosyncrasies, my tendencies for neurotic, and my general stupidity. I often need to put my foot in my mouth, yet you never make me feel bad about it.

My dear friends, thank you for being you. I admire the people you are. On this life’s journey we have to take paths, and they can lead us and branch off so many ways. I am glad the path I chose led me to you. I have wondered what my life would be like without you in it; not hearing your laughter or voice, I wonder if there would be someone else if it hadn’t been you? I highly doubt it.

I need you to know how important you are to me, I need you to know that your opinions do matter, that I value your insight and wisdom. I need you to know that when I laugh with you, it comes from my heart, you are clever and I like that a lot.

Please don’t worry about running out of things to talk about, I’m sure that won’t happen, but if it does we can figure it out. Thank you for trying to teach me, for being a champion of my causes, for late night conversations, and a million text messages. They help me get through my life; being a work at home mama is a tough job, and often you are the only adult I speak in 10 hours.

My friends, thank you for getting excited over the little things with me, I know you could care less about finding worms with the kids, but to me it is important, and I appreciate your excitement too. I love being silly with you, it makes me feel young.

Finally, in each of your own ways, you have helped me to become a better, stronger, and happier person, what more could I ever ask for?

X’s and O’s,

C.

 

Robin In The Rain… March 11, 2012

What a saucy fellow, with your socks of yellow...

I dare say it, I think spring is here. It’s only March 11th, but the robin’s are back, the Canada geese are slowly coming back as are the swans.

Each year I faithfully wait for the arrival of the birds, I listen for their calls…knowing that when they arrive, our beautiful spring won’t be far behind.

I love all the typical things about spring, I love the flowers, I love the rain. I love that the strong and harsh northwest wind gives way to the gentle warm breezes from the south. I love to watch my grass start to green up, my trees bud, and the animals to come out of hibernation.

Granted, there are some things I could do without, I get tired of the mud, I can certainly do without the yard work that spring brings. This year we have lost many branches from our beloved trees who are infected with the Emerald Ash Boer Beetle…I think it may be their last summer with us. (sob)

The spring brings renewal, a sense of starting over. Turning over our flower beds, beginning to hang laundry on the line again, longer days and welcoming back the sun. I hope this spring helps to renew my spirit, I hope that I can lean back in the suns rays and let warmth envelop me, keeping me rooted. I hope that with the wonderful changes spring brings, that I can still count on the other things I love, hearing the children laughing, opening my windows and watching the curtains blow in the breeze…

Thank you spring. I really need you this year.

 

Courage And Bravery March 7, 2012

I

Says a lot, doesn't it?

In the last 4 years, I have spent a lot of time learning about courage and bravery. I have witnessed it first hand, and I continue to see it daily.

Bravery is defined as: Having or showing courage.

Courage is defined as: Mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

With these definitions in place we can apply both to the smallest things in our lives, and to some of the biggest obstacles we will ever overcome. A child’s first steps, a fight to beat Cancer, revealing our sexual orientation, living an authentic life.

I have been a part of all of these life experiences in the last four years, I have witnessed the fear, the pain, and the desire to take these challenges head on. I cannot imagine the strength and fortitude it took for each of these people to take on life events, and to come out on top.

Many people don’t come out unscathed, many people give up on their journeys, does that make them less brave? I don’t think so, I believe it just means that they aren’t ready yet, and when the time is right they will resume their fight, and will eventually come out on top. They are brave for starting it in the first place.

I am not brave, I am not courageous. I fight my demons on the inside afraid of judgement. I keep them locked in, waiting for the day when I am brave enough to deal with them head on. I can’t imagine being free of the pain, yet, the pain of unacceptance seems that much greater.

How do we decide who is brave and who isn’t? Is a soldier brave, or the woman begging for money? Yes, that’s right, her. The one who swallowed her pride to beg for money to feed her children. She is brave in my book. Is bravery something that should always be rewarded? Perhaps we should be handing out more medals, what about the transman who takes his life in his hands every time he leaves the house afraid that he will be persecuted because he is living his life as himself. What about the child who is disabled, and endures taunts and jeers from classmates daily, should we not afford both of these people medals for bravery?

Bravery is a scary thing, being courageous is scary, I admire people who are both, and pray one day that I can count myself among their ranks.

 

I

 

 
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