Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

‘Hi, My Name Is Christa…And My World Is Falling Apart’ July 19, 2012

Support Me…

“Hi Christa”….

It’s always interesting to me that support comes from places you would least expect it to come from.

That person you haven’t talked to in a year, an old ‘frenemy’ who heard-through-the-grapevine-and-just-had-to-call, or your neighbour from when you were 5.

This week I attended my local, monthly PFLAG meeting. For those of you unfamiliar with PFLAG (Parents and Friends for Lesbians and Gays, although the door is WIDE open for anyone involved in the LGBTQQ community) it is a monthly support group that I attend to support someone close to me. It is a wonderful, open, caring, and safe space that basically you can talk about whatever you are dealing with. I normally don’t share much. Just the usual, ‘Hi, my name is Christa, I am an Ally, my friend____________ is ______________ and I am here to help support them’ I then usually go into our relationship a bit and yadda yadda yadda. PFLAG in a short time has become something that I feel quite passionate about. The sense of love, compassion, care, and openness within the group always leaves me feeling that all is well with the world, even if it is just for 2 hours on a Monday night once a month.

This meeting was a little different. It was quite large, at least 20 or so people, there were a number of very unfortunate issues happening with some of our group, and there were some lovely new faces. One Ally attended from as far away as Texas. I was one of the last people to speak, and had planned on just doing my usual routine, but the leader (who is also a friend) encouraged me to open up and ‘spill it’ (Ohhhh Lori, I do so Love you!). So yes, everything just kinda came tumbling out, I felt like I couldn’t stop…the words just kept coming, separation, parenting, friends, sadness, Cancer, anger, surgery, scared, gaaaaah. It was strange and surreal. Here I was baring my soul to a room full of strangers for the most part. Very disconcerting. And yet I talked. It was odd being the one who needed support vs. being the supporter. But there everyone was with horrified looks on their faces, the ‘OHMIGOD’ expression as I like to call it. I’m getting used to that look, it’s funny, I can picture people’s faces on the phone when I tell them…

So other than absolute shameless promotion of PFLAG (which is an AMAZING organisation, and I highly recommend anyone who has ties to the LGBTQQ community check them out. They are world-wide, free, and a wealth of knowledge, support, and love.) I guess I am using this post to say, I’m finding support in the oddest of places.  I am continually surprised when someone calls or emails me to let me know they are thinking of me.

Onwards and Upwards, Oncology on Monday (totally freaking out but Ohhhh Welll)`

PFLAG (main site) http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=194

PFLAG Canada http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.php

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Just Need To Sleep July 15, 2012

RAIN : The ground in dreams generally links to the facts and reality of your life. The sky generally symbolises the future and anticipation of change. Rain tends to link to things that are unsettling you.
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I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately. Not really surprising given the current state of my life.

My sleep has been littered with crazy dreams, waking crying, or with my heart about to beat out of my chest. I am often too afraid to fall back to sleep, as I don’t want to have another nightmare, or deal with whatever is lurking in the recesses of my mind.

It’s amazing how our brains process our waking life. I’ve tried my hardest to remember my dreams, I’m usually not very good at it. I think my brain isn’t letting me remember, to insulate me from my own brand of crazy.

There are some very specific things that I do remember, and they are often reoccurring.

Rain is a big one, dark skies, with rain just pouring down on me. I know I feel cold and wet and scared. I don’t remember if there is thunder or lightening. I don’t think there is though, I would remember that. I know that when I wake up from the rain dreams, I feel very unsettled. I am scared and usually upset. This is all interesting as most of the dream interpretations I’ve read have said that rain is a good thing. It symbolises renewal and fertility (HAHAHAHA – Fertility, for the Cancer Girl about to get rid of all her girly bits!!!) The interpretation in my picture seems to fit well.

If I look at the ground in my dreams, it is wet. I am usually barefoot in a deep puddle up to my ankles. But I must have expected it because my jeans are folded up. Everything is muddy, I’m not in the grass, or even really near any. I’m not necessarily in a city either, I don’t/can’t recall any concrete, just a big mud puddle.

So If I use the above interpretation for the ground part of my dream, I guess I feel mired down in the mud. Between the Cancer and Separation, I can’t seem to get out. I feel stuck, unable to make a move in any direction. I need someone to come and help me because I just can’t get out on my own…Which is FREAKING crazy…says Ms. Independent Can Do It On My Own-I Don’t Need Anyone To Save Me…yeah….maybe I do need some help?

Ok, so onto the skies in my dreams, which symbolise the future and anticipation of change…Well things aren’t looking too hot in that department either.

The sky is generally dark, lots of angry clouds, sometimes I know they are swirling around, other times, they are just big dark grey clouds. I don’t recall any wind. So again using the above interpretation, I would have to say that I am angry, scared, and feel like shit about my future and the changes that are happening. I’m wondering if when the clouds are swirly I’m digesting the movement of things forward? Shaughn moving out, the Oncology appointment? And on the days where the clouds are just dark and foreboding, if I am feeling stagnant?  They are just there raining down on me?

So, the rain tends to link the things that are unsettling to you. Well that is crap. It’s all rather unsettling don’t you think????

I am going to try to remember more dreams, I am going to do some research on how to remember them. The rain is the one steady one, I must have it two or three times a week.

Have a great Sunday….Cancer Girl, Out!

 

What’s Good, and What’s Not Broken July 12, 2012

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And now I have to focus on what’s good, not what is broken.

So I’ve kept rather quiet about all of this for over a month, I’m not sure why. Maybe I was trying to protect myself, maybe I didn’t want it to seem like my whole world is caving in. I don’t want to be seen as a failure…so many different things I guess.

My 9 year marriage is ending. Suck Ass. It’s been a long time coming, it’s just the time is now. Not perfect timing, but the cancer stuff happened after the decision to end things.

Shaughn and I are two very different  people. For the last few years, we have drifted further and further apart, this last year with him at school has just exacerbated many of the issues that have always been there.

We are still friends, and I hope that we can always remain friends. This marriage took two people to make, and it’s taken two people to break it. We are ending things now so that we can still be friends, so we can leave not angry or too hurt.

We are both committed to being the best parents to our lovely Paisley that we can be, and to do that, we need to be committed to being friends, to communicating, and to still remaining as much of a family as we can be.

So now I’m looking at being a single Mum with Cancer…FML.

Really though, as much as all of this hurts, I’m excited about my future again, I’m looking forward to finding who I am, who I’ve lost over the last 12 years. I think a part of me has been hidden away. I did that because I thought that I would never find someone who loved me, I put my own feelings aside because I was in love. I chose to alter myself, my needs and wants to stay in this relationship because I was too afraid to do it on my own. This was unfair to myself, but equally as unfair to Shaughn. This last year has taught me that I CAN do it on my own, and that I know I can do a good job of it.

While I am excited, a part of me is scared. Pais is not going to do well initially, I know that, and I am going to be the one who will have to pick up most of the pieces of her crumbling world. I’m scared that I won’t have time to do it all. Shaughn has always done certain things; taken out the trash, cleaned the cat litter, he sets the dishwasher and unloads it everyday, he looks after the yard work. I wonder when exactly I’m going to get it all done. on top of being a Mum, having a full-time job, doing my volunteer work, and having a minute social life. He even makes my coffee for me every morning…now after a few trials and errors, I have figured that out, and when I say errors, ooh man I mean errors!!!!!

So yeah, the ride gets bumpier and has some crazy twists, but I’m doing ok. I am going to be great. We are going to be awesome parents to our girl. We are determined. This is totally sad and sucky, but it’s going to be ok. We all deserve to be happy, Paisley, Shaughn and I, it’s just unfortunate we can’t all be happy together.

Live and Learn my friends, Live and Learn.

 

Slammed By The Mail July 9, 2012

Swift Kick To My Brain

I love to get mail most days, other than assorted bills, really, I usually get nothing. It’s sad, but in this day of modern technology the traditional letter has been replaced by email, e-cards, text messages and emoticons.

Today though I got a letter, a letter from Oncology.

As soon as I saw the envelope everything came crashing down. For the last week, other than erratic sleep, I have been able to put the cancer mostly out of my head. I haven’t really had to think much about it, or really talk about it. It’s always there, but it has taken a backseat to what’s happening in the rest of my crazy ass life.

But the letter changed that, I instantly felt nauseous, my head kinda went light, and my hands started to shake. It just brought the cancer and it’s ramifications back to the front of my brain.

I started to think about what it meant; surgery in the near future, 8 weeks of recovery, pain, not being able to hug of lift my girl. Then of course the possibility of finding cancer on my ovaries, or elsewhere while they are in there. I started to think about my aunt who was my age when she was diagnosed, and all the women before me, and then the fear kicks in.

I am terrified of surgery, I am scared of recovery, I know I have amazing, rather AMAZING friends and family who will all be there to help in any way they can, but a part of me still feels very alone in this. I feel like it’s my body that has failed, that if I had chosen to live parts of my life differently I wouldn’t be in this boat. If I was healthier, if I had eaten organic, probiotic, grain fed, vegetarian…blah blah blah…the list in my head goes on for miles.

I wonder who will go with me to the hospital, and who will visit. I worry about who is going to care for Magee when I’m not able to. I worry that she’s just not going to understand, how could she when I can barely grasp it all. Will I be alone when I start puking from the anesthetic (because I always do) or will someone be there to rub my back and bring me some water?

All these what ifs, and things out of my control, a million different variables, and questions. Really there are no answers yet, and some won’t be answered until I’m actually in the situation.

I know I’m going to be ok in my head, I’m just having a hard time convincing my heart of the same.

 

Mia Famiglia – My Family July 6, 2012

It’s not my family, but it’s close enough!

Ok, so the picture isn’t exactly accurate.

I come from a very large family. I have Aunts, Uncles, a million cousins, and then their kids to make up another half million (No really, they all just have to stop having kids).

Growing up, my family always did things together. Regular playdates, family dinners and BBQ’s, birthday parties, road trips, you name it we did it. Some of my fondest childhood memories are with my extended family. Summers at the beach with my grandmother, giant new year’s eve parties with all the cousins, racing for quarters at the bottom of the pool against my brother and whoever else would challenge me.

Family has always been one of the most important things in my life. I speak with my parents almost daily, I talk with my brother almost every other day. My brother and I are very close. We always have been. Joel and I are 18 months apart and have always shared everything; Friends, clothes, toys, midnight secrets, heartbreak and love. He is and will always be my best friend.

So this week I had to let my family know about my diagnosis. Not an easy task. Rather than call everyone, because I know I’d never get through it, I emailed most people.  I was very nervous emailing everyone, all of my first cousins have had a parent die from Cancer, one Aunt just two years ago, the other 10 years ago. I was afraid of how they would feel. I also had to email Aunts and Uncles who had lost these two sisters.

Family has once again surrounded me with love, encouragement, and words that make things seem a bit easier.

I have friends that seem much more like family then they do friends, I often don’t know where I’d be day to do without them. Elliot, Cerys, Adele, Haley, and Jeanette, you 5 make sure I’m ok, keep me smiling and are the most wonderful friends I could ever hope for. Words of thanks will never be enough for all you do. You will always be family in my book, friends just doesn’t cover how I feel about you guys.

I am so blessed, I know that I’m going to kick this, I know that with the people closest to me, I will have all the strength I need especially when I need it most.

 

Oncology Here I Come!!!!!!!! July 4, 2012

Here We Gooooooo…………………..

Woot!

I received a call today from a new gynaecological Oncologist who is going to see me in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!!

This is AWESOME news!!!!!!!

Get this shit out of me, as soon as humanly possible….but please after my vacation….I really need a break first!

Finally some good news!

 

Bluesy Tuesday… July 3, 2012

Not a super day….

I had an awful night. I couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep I was woken up by nightmares, often crying.

I hate that, it’s bad enough to have a bad sleep, but to wake up crying is the worst. I just think I am still trying to wrap my head around a million things. I can’t do it during the day as I am too busy to think about a pee break, let alone, how the hell I am going to deal with all this.

I had to tell my daycare parents about my diagnosis. There were lots of sad faces this morning as children were dropped off for the day. Everyone wanted a hug, I just couldn’t do it. If I hugged any of them, I would have lost my shit. Not something I want to do in front of the kids (or parents for that matter).

I know everyone wants to support me, everyone wants to let me know it’s going to be ok, and in my heart I know that too, but still there is still the doubt, and fear of the unknown. I don’t know how to accept the support. I’m usually the one giving it, I have a really hard time being on the other side of it. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself. I never want to be perceived as weak. I want the world to see me as a confident, headstrong, rock, not how I really feel which is a quivering pile of gelatinous goo…nice image eh?

I push people away, I redirect focus away from myself. I tell people I don’t need help, that I can do this on my own. In most ways I have to do it on my own, no one can do it for me, but by the same token, if I could just LET PEOPLE IN, I know I wouldn’t feel the same burden.

Ugh, I really don’t know how to do it. I wish I did, and I’m trying, but failing miserably. I know it, the people closest to me know it, I just don’t know how to reach out and say ‘Sure, I need help, I need support, I feel like I am falling into oblivion and I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out’. After doing things my way for 35 years, how do I change my thinking and my actions? How do I raise Paisley to be able to accept help but still remain strong and independent if  I can’t role model that for her?

So my goal this week is to be open to accepting help, it will be to answer the question “How are you?” honestly. If I am having a crap day then I’ll let people know, if I’m ok, I’ll answer that too. We’ll see how it goes, I have 35 years of walls to break down…that’s a lot of bricks y’all!

 

 
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