Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Bluesy Tuesday… July 3, 2012

Not a super day….

I had an awful night. I couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep I was woken up by nightmares, often crying.

I hate that, it’s bad enough to have a bad sleep, but to wake up crying is the worst. I just think I am still trying to wrap my head around a million things. I can’t do it during the day as I am too busy to think about a pee break, let alone, how the hell I am going to deal with all this.

I had to tell my daycare parents about my diagnosis. There were lots of sad faces this morning as children were dropped off for the day. Everyone wanted a hug, I just couldn’t do it. If I hugged any of them, I would have lost my shit. Not something I want to do in front of the kids (or parents for that matter).

I know everyone wants to support me, everyone wants to let me know it’s going to be ok, and in my heart I know that too, but still there is still the doubt, and fear of the unknown. I don’t know how to accept the support. I’m usually the one giving it, I have a really hard time being on the other side of it. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself. I never want to be perceived as weak. I want the world to see me as a confident, headstrong, rock, not how I really feel which is a quivering pile of gelatinous goo…nice image eh?

I push people away, I redirect focus away from myself. I tell people I don’t need help, that I can do this on my own. In most ways I have to do it on my own, no one can do it for me, but by the same token, if I could just LET PEOPLE IN, I know I wouldn’t feel the same burden.

Ugh, I really don’t know how to do it. I wish I did, and I’m trying, but failing miserably. I know it, the people closest to me know it, I just don’t know how to reach out and say ‘Sure, I need help, I need support, I feel like I am falling into oblivion and I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out’. After doing things my way for 35 years, how do I change my thinking and my actions? How do I raise Paisley to be able to accept help but still remain strong and independent if ┬áI can’t role model that for her?

So my goal this week is to be open to accepting help, it will be to answer the question “How are you?” honestly. If I am having a crap day then I’ll let people know, if I’m ok, I’ll answer that too. We’ll see how it goes, I have 35 years of walls to break down…that’s a lot of bricks y’all!

 

The Hats We Wear March 4, 2012

So Many Hats, So Little Time

So Many Hats, So Little Time

*I am prefacing this before actually writing this post, a friend of mine and I are both blogging the same topic. We are curious about how each of us will respond to the topic, and what each of our takes is. To read WhoseElliot’s blog post, follow the link at the bottom of the page.*

Daily we are required to wear many hats, some days we wear more hats, or less. Some hats we choose to wear, others are bestowed upon us and we don’t get the choice to remove them. Some hats are out in the open for everyone to see, and others we keep hidden, but they are still there.

For my job, I wear my Childcare hat, (and of course my toque in the winter) I was given my Mummy hat by Paisley, and some of the hats I keep hidden are my survivor hat, and my insecure hat.

Hats can be used to accentuate who we are, we can use them to jazz up an outfit, or put one on and pretend to be someone we aren’t. Often in life, I think the latter is true, We put on a hat hoping to fool people, hoping they won’t see the hidden hats beneath it. What are we afraid of? Acceptance, judgement, anger, grief? We all have our reasons, the point is, they are ours.

I often hide behind my happy hat, people often perceive me as self-confident, assured, and cocksure. Most of the time, I feel the opposite. I feel  insecure, unsure, and I second guess most things (and third guess!).

When I show people my other hats, when I openly discuss how I am feeling, or how something in my past is still affecting me today, people often try to fix me, or to give me advice. When that happens, I automatically put on my happy hat. I hide, I don’t need fixing.

It is interesting that at birth we are given a boy hat or a girl hat. Pink or blue. Those hats will be the first of thousands we wear in a lifetime, from the minute we are born, our heads are covered, letting the world know who we are.

I hope that as I become older, wiser, and more unconcerned, that I can remove some of my hats. I can put them away, and live a life where I don’t feel that I have to hide parts of myself, where I don’t care about what others think, and maybe, I will feel more peace in my life. Until then, I will continue to don each hat daily, I will keep my other hats firmly planted but hidden, waiting for that day when I can let people in.

To read WhoseElliot’s blog on Hats go here: www.whoselliot.wordpress.com

 

 
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