Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Bluesy Tuesday… July 3, 2012

Not a super day….

I had an awful night. I couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep I was woken up by nightmares, often crying.

I hate that, it’s bad enough to have a bad sleep, but to wake up crying is the worst. I just think I am still trying to wrap my head around a million things. I can’t do it during the day as I am too busy to think about a pee break, let alone, how the hell I am going to deal with all this.

I had to tell my daycare parents about my diagnosis. There were lots of sad faces this morning as children were dropped off for the day. Everyone wanted a hug, I just couldn’t do it. If I hugged any of them, I would have lost my shit. Not something I want to do in front of the kids (or parents for that matter).

I know everyone wants to support me, everyone wants to let me know it’s going to be ok, and in my heart I know that too, but still there is still the doubt, and fear of the unknown. I don’t know how to accept the support. I’m usually the one giving it, I have a really hard time being on the other side of it. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself. I never want to be perceived as weak. I want the world to see me as a confident, headstrong, rock, not how I really feel which is a quivering pile of gelatinous goo…nice image eh?

I push people away, I redirect focus away from myself. I tell people I don’t need help, that I can do this on my own. In most ways I have to do it on my own, no one can do it for me, but by the same token, if I could just LET PEOPLE IN, I know I wouldn’t feel the same burden.

Ugh, I really don’t know how to do it. I wish I did, and I’m trying, but failing miserably. I know it, the people closest to me know it, I just don’t know how to reach out and say ‘Sure, I need help, I need support, I feel like I am falling into oblivion and I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out’. After doing things my way for 35 years, how do I change my thinking and my actions? How do I raise Paisley to be able to accept help but still remain strong and independent if  I can’t role model that for her?

So my goal this week is to be open to accepting help, it will be to answer the question “How are you?” honestly. If I am having a crap day then I’ll let people know, if I’m ok, I’ll answer that too. We’ll see how it goes, I have 35 years of walls to break down…that’s a lot of bricks y’all!

 

Hope Is Better Than Fear July 2, 2012

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.
Jack Layton

Hope is better than Fear, Optimism better than despair.

For a year, longer than the last week; these words have resonated with me.

I am a political junkie, and the quote was written by one of the most influential Canadian politicians of my time. Sadly Jack Layton lost his battle with cancer almost a year ago. During his last days he wrote a letter to all Canadians that ended with the quote:

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

I have tried to be both hopeful and optimistic this last week, I will not let fear, or anger rule my life; although I have plenty of both.

I am not going to lie, this week has been tough, for many reasons; work, relationship, kiddo, and cancer. Cancer seems to be the things that is at the forefront of it all. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, it’s just there. It’s not even that I am sad about it all the time, or upset. Often its indifference, but it’s still there.

I know deep down that all of this is going to be ok, I know that I am strong, and healthy otherwise. I know that as sacred as I am that things have spread, they haven’t, I have to believe it. I know that while I have to wait to deal with all this shit, there are so many other women who don’t have the luxury of a few extra days…

I have been trying to put my life into some sort of perspective, which hasn’t been easy when it is all upside down. I’m trying to think of this as just a bump in the road, a blip on the chart. Today it feels like a mountain to climb, not a bump, but tomorrow will be better. It’s when I have time to sit and think, that my head gets the better of me. When I am surrounded by the kids and chaos of daycare I don’t have time to think about much. This was a long weekend up here in Canada, so lots of downtime where my brain has sometimes gotten the better of me. Paisley spent a night at her grandparents, and yesterday I spent the majority of the day asleep in bed. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying not to think…kind of a vicious circle.

I have a few amazing friends (you know who you are) that are calling, texting, and checking in. I love them, right now they are the ones helping me to keep my head up. There are others that I thought would be there who in a short time have dropped off the face of the earth…how lovely.

My goal for the next few days, is not to tread water, but to swim. To try and grab life, shake the shit out of it, and live it. I don’t like walking around in this fugue state. I want to see the colours, smell the air, and feel the breeze.

Wish me luck!

 

Cancer Is My Bitch

This is the face of someone with cancer….

Yep, that’s right y’all.

C-A-N-C-E-R.

Uterine cancer to be precise. Uterine-Fucking-Cancer.

I’m 35, and I have cancer. I can barely type the words let alone wrap my head around the ramifications that singular word has.

When I saw the doctor today, I was not expecting him to say anything other than fibroids, and hey ‘we have a treatment for that’, instead I got ‘you have blah blah blah stage one uterine cancer. Your treatment is to have a hysterectomy and we are also removing your ovaries blah blah blah’ I felt like Peppermint Patty listening to the teacher in Charlie Brown.

So yeah. Cancer has once again invaded my family, and now, my life.

How the hell did this happen? How the hell am I going to deal with this shit? I feel like my body has betrayed me. I feel like I have this horrible thing happening to me and there is not a bloody fucking thing I can do about it. All I can do it sit and wait for a surgery date, while it grows. Waiting.

I’m not very good at waiting, I’m not good at things that I can’t control. I’m not good at putting my feelings and thoughts into other people’s hands. I’m not good at letting other people in. I’m just not good at any of it.

I’m a ‘doer’ I get stuff done. I find solutions, I figure things out. I dissect and analyse. I don’t dive into things head first. I have control issues. I make lists, I get answers. I research, I don’t get emotional. Today, I am emotional, I can’t fix a thing. I can read, but my head hurts from all the reading. The answers are good, the news is encouraging, but still nagging in the back of my head is the other statistics, the not so good ones. I have a million decisions to make, but I don’t know where to begin.

I have a child, I have a business, I just don’t have time for cancer. I don’t have time to feel shitty all the time, I already am perpetually tired, doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I never feel rested enough. I don’t have time to take 8 weeks off to recover from surgery. Hopefully that’s all it will be, hopefully no chemo or radiation. If it comes down to that I will have to close the daycare.

I’m so scared. My daughter needs her mummy. I need her.

Cancer is my Bitch, I am going to Own this, and destroy it. There are no other options!

 

The Walk Before The Run April 25, 2012

We all have to start somewhere...

We all have to start somewhere right? We aren’t born doing all the amazing things we can do as adults. We have to learn to feed ourselves, to talk and walk. We learn empathy, how to appropriately express our feelings of happiness, anger, joy and sorrow.

We don’t know anything, and everything is a learning process. This continues our whole lives, through school, through relationships, through jobs, and through our surroundings.

I have thought a lot about what I am learning about myself lately. I’ve taken time to examine who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. Figuring out how I am going to get there, and what I need to do to reach the finish line.

My life wasn’t easy growing up, it wasn’t horrible by any stretch, but it wasn’t easy. I always felt that I had to live up to my parents standards, even when I tried my hardest, I still failed in their eyes. They loved me fiercely, and still do. I’m blessed to have them both as a huge part of my life. I still find myself reaching to meet their expectations, but I allow myself to fail now. I’m ok with it, even if they aren’t.

I spent a lot of my teenage years in turmoil, bouts with depression, relationships that weren’t good for me, drinking, drugs, doing stupid things just to make my pain stop. Of course none of it worked. I still managed to keep up a good average at school, and got into college with no problem. I was taking law, but dropped out after a semester. It just wasn’t me. I was bound by all these rules, I’m not much for conformity.

After dropping out, I volunteered, I travelled a bit, I needed to find out who I was, what I needed to do with my life. I needed to slow down, and look at my life. I had always done what others wanted me to do, and pushed down what I wanted for myself.

After a year of no school, I re-applied and was accepted into the Early Childhood Education programme, where I finally felt at home. I was in my element. I could get down and dirty with a bunch of two-year olds and go home at night, happy. I’ve never had a super paycheck, BUT I get a lot more out of my job.

I had to try one thing in college first before settling on what I really loved and needed for my life.

I find myself in a situation now, where my life is up in the air, Shaughn is still in school, rarely home, I’m a mummy who does it all. I’m learning the ropes still, 8 months later. It’s painfully slow, and some days I don’t know if I can do it. I just think I have it figured out, and wham, something stops me in my tracks, and I have to start over again.

One day I’ll run again, one day this will figure itself out, and I will find my footing.

 

Live Like We’re Dying April 15, 2012

Kris Allen – Live Like We’re Dying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbfeSImDntw&ob=av2e

I heard this song for the first time today, I love it. I love the message. Live, like it’s your last day, what would you do with your life? Would you live it the same way?

We are all given such a short time here, our lives are so fleeting. Some days seem to go on forever, we get caught up in the crazy, we don’t take time to appreciate the beauty and joy around us. God knows I’m guilty of it.

There are only 86,400 seconds in a day. That’s it. How do you spend those seconds? Do you live with regret, not doing something that you know you should have done, wishing that you could go back and make a different decision in your life? Do you speak your mind, or do you not; afraid of who might not like what comes out. Are you scared, do you let that fear control parts of your life?

Human nature is to be safe. We play safely, wearing our protective equipment, we buckle up. (I’m not suggesting we not do either of these things.) But we don’t generally take risks with our lives, our decisions, our hearts.

What would happen if we started to live more authentically? Would we be hurt more often, or would we benefit from our honesty? Would we enjoy our lives more? Taking the job we love, versus taking the job that pays more, or by taking a leap of faith and telling someone we love them when we know it may never be reciprocated. If we all started to live our lives differently would we be happier?

Would we be more tolerant? Would we start putting faith into more things that just don’t make sense but seem real?

What would you do if you lived like you were dying?

 

A Letter To My Friends… March 14, 2012

Dear Friends,

Thank you for being wonderful, thank you for taking the time to listen, to laugh, and to try to understand me. Thank you for not trying to fix me, or my life. I don’t need fixing, I need a shoulder, and yours are ever so broad.

Thank you for showing me the lines in the sand aren’t always as they seem, that no issues are black and white; there are often undertones of grey and  blue. Thank you for accepting  my idiosyncrasies, my tendencies for neurotic, and my general stupidity. I often need to put my foot in my mouth, yet you never make me feel bad about it.

My dear friends, thank you for being you. I admire the people you are. On this life’s journey we have to take paths, and they can lead us and branch off so many ways. I am glad the path I chose led me to you. I have wondered what my life would be like without you in it; not hearing your laughter or voice, I wonder if there would be someone else if it hadn’t been you? I highly doubt it.

I need you to know how important you are to me, I need you to know that your opinions do matter, that I value your insight and wisdom. I need you to know that when I laugh with you, it comes from my heart, you are clever and I like that a lot.

Please don’t worry about running out of things to talk about, I’m sure that won’t happen, but if it does we can figure it out. Thank you for trying to teach me, for being a champion of my causes, for late night conversations, and a million text messages. They help me get through my life; being a work at home mama is a tough job, and often you are the only adult I speak in 10 hours.

My friends, thank you for getting excited over the little things with me, I know you could care less about finding worms with the kids, but to me it is important, and I appreciate your excitement too. I love being silly with you, it makes me feel young.

Finally, in each of your own ways, you have helped me to become a better, stronger, and happier person, what more could I ever ask for?

X’s and O’s,

C.

 

Courage And Bravery March 7, 2012

I

Says a lot, doesn't it?

In the last 4 years, I have spent a lot of time learning about courage and bravery. I have witnessed it first hand, and I continue to see it daily.

Bravery is defined as: Having or showing courage.

Courage is defined as: Mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

With these definitions in place we can apply both to the smallest things in our lives, and to some of the biggest obstacles we will ever overcome. A child’s first steps, a fight to beat Cancer, revealing our sexual orientation, living an authentic life.

I have been a part of all of these life experiences in the last four years, I have witnessed the fear, the pain, and the desire to take these challenges head on. I cannot imagine the strength and fortitude it took for each of these people to take on life events, and to come out on top.

Many people don’t come out unscathed, many people give up on their journeys, does that make them less brave? I don’t think so, I believe it just means that they aren’t ready yet, and when the time is right they will resume their fight, and will eventually come out on top. They are brave for starting it in the first place.

I am not brave, I am not courageous. I fight my demons on the inside afraid of judgement. I keep them locked in, waiting for the day when I am brave enough to deal with them head on. I can’t imagine being free of the pain, yet, the pain of unacceptance seems that much greater.

How do we decide who is brave and who isn’t? Is a soldier brave, or the woman begging for money? Yes, that’s right, her. The one who swallowed her pride to beg for money to feed her children. She is brave in my book. Is bravery something that should always be rewarded? Perhaps we should be handing out more medals, what about the transman who takes his life in his hands every time he leaves the house afraid that he will be persecuted because he is living his life as himself. What about the child who is disabled, and endures taunts and jeers from classmates daily, should we not afford both of these people medals for bravery?

Bravery is a scary thing, being courageous is scary, I admire people who are both, and pray one day that I can count myself among their ranks.

 

I

 

 
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