Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Tired. April 3, 2012

“] I feel like I’m barely holding it together here folks.

My life has been upside down for 7 months, and I’m not sure when the ‘crazy’ will end. I don’t know how much more I have to give. I feel like I am floundering, and failing at pretty much everything.

Let me preface this by saying, I’m not looking for solutions, advice, or pity. I am just a struggling Mama, and I’m doing the best I can with the skills and resources that I have.

Any of my regular readers know that my partner Shaughn has been in school since September, he went back to school to become a personal support worker, his hopes are to gain employment working in palliative care. He is currently also working full-time. Herein lies the problem.

My daughter Paisley is having an even harder time than I am. She is teary, upset, and angry, She doesn’t understand. She sees Shaughn for a grand total of 1 hour in the morning. During that hour it is showers, dressed, breakfast, I can’t help her, she misses her Daddy. She is taking her hurt out on me.

I see Shaughn for about the same amount of time. I might see him for a few minutes at night, but after a 15 hour day he and I are both done. We talk about the bills, the laundry, and the next days agenda. then goodnight.

I feel like I am failing as a mother, partner, daughter, caregiver. I am angry, I am tired. I am so tired. I feel like I am being pulled in 6 different directions, and I can’t find my footing. I have tried for so long, but it just isn’t happening.

I am heading out-of-town for a few days, hopefully some R&R. I need to regroup and refocus. I am excited that Shaughn and P will get some much-needed bonding time. I am sad that I will miss Easter, and my family, but I think I need to look after myself now. I need a change of scenery, I need to escape my 4 walls and just be Christa for a few days.

I know some people have expressed that I am being selfish, I should be with my child and family, and to these people I say ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’. Spend an entire day doing what I do, then tell me you can do it for 8 months, day in and out, without a break. I can tell you now, there are not too many people who can.

So, yes, I am being selfish. I am ok with it. I need it.

So, hopefully after this mini holiday, I will be in a better place to start my blogging regularly again. I will find the motivation to take a few minutes every few days for myself to write.

See y’all on the flip side yo!

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Absence, And Coming Back. February 10, 2012

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/shellykaynyc/4450086651/

it's been awhile...

I was on a bit of a blogging hiatus, I’m not sure why. I think sometimes life is just so overwhelming that I cannot think about much more than getting through my day, and counting the hours until I can go to sleep. Given the fact that my life is so hectic, when I sleep, I sleep well, deep, and un-dreaming. It’s that total state of absence. I don’t hear Shaughn come to bed, I don’t remember tossing or turning; often times, I wake the same way I fell asleep.

I miss blogging. It is a great outlet for me,  a way for me to organise my thoughts, and to remember things.

Shaughn is also absent from our lives a lot these days, he will leave for work around 8:45 on a good day, and I won’t see him until 10 that night. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t impacting our marriage. I miss my partner, my love, my person. Often when he gets home he is beyond exhausted, and certainly not in the head space for meaningful conversations, or talk of bill payments and laundry. Most nights I go to bed alone while he works on homework for the next night. I have learned to cherish our short weekends, our family time.

I have had to let a lot go these last few months, I am not nearly as concerned with my windows and floors, laundry is always at the bottom of my list…My main priority has been Paisley, trying to be a great Mummy while balancing the rest of my life. I’m doing ok with it, granted there are days when I’m not going to win Mother of The Year, but there are others when she just looks up at me and says ‘I love you Mummy’ that I know I’m not doing too bad of job.

I know my absence has been felt within my circle of friends, with them checking in occasionally to make sure I’m still treading water. I feel isolated much of the time, with my only connection to the outside world being the radio and text messages I share during the day. It’s not all doom and gloom, my brother (read: Saint) picks me up every Tuesday to take Paisley out for dinner while I grocery shop for the week. Weekends I usually get out for a bit, thankfully otherwise I might just lose my mind entirely.

I’m going to try to be less absent from this blog, I feel like I need to get my words on paper, to focus my thoughts, and to be more introspective. So, please forgive me if I am not posting regularly, forgive me for my absence, and if another hiatus is looming in my future, please pre-forgive that one too.

 

Banning Children From Upscale Dining – Hells Yes! July 18, 2011

Is this what a 4 year old wants to eat?

My husband and I have been discussing this topic at length since it was brought up a week or so ago.

We are the parents of a 3-year-old, an incredibly well-behaved 3-year-old that we would take anywhere.
That being said, we would not take her to a fine dining establishment, and we would support a ban on children in one.

I agree that we as parents need to teach our children proper etiquette and manners, but the point is MANY PARENTS DON’T! And why should the patrons in a restaurant suffer because of lack of parenting?

My husband and I were celebrating a milestone, at a very upscale restaurant, and for the whole meal we were so fortunate enough to listen to a 4-year-old screaming because they didn’t serve Mac and Cheese, his younger sister running around the restaurant and yelling. When we asked the server about having the family asked to look after their children he replied that they had been, but that they were also paying customers.

In today’s day and age, where parents spend less time parenting and teaching and more time friending and hanging with their children, it is harder and harder to go any restaurant without dealing with this. I sure as heck don’t want to pay $150 for a meal that I have to listen to the above happen.

That being said, I have no issue with children in restaurants if it is a family restaurant. I’m not talking McDonald’s, and other fast food places, I’m referring to places like Kelsey’s, or East Side Mario’s, where they actually have a children’s menu, and crayons for children. When I go to a place like that, I expect children, and am not upset when they become upset. It happens.

With so many places to eat, I wonder why parents take their small children to upscale dining establishments.

I know occasionally for many parent’s, myself included, that childcare can be an issue, especially when in another city visiting. On these occasions we just haven’t gone, we are upfront and honest with the people who invited us, that we don’t think it’s appropriate for our daughter to attend this function as she is only 3. That we wouldn’t want her to disrupt any of the other patrons. Simple.

I applaud restaurants for setting age limits, if they don’t, and ask families to leave because of unruly children, they are automatically the ‘bad guy’, not the family with the children. By setting an age limit, there are no bad guys, children just aren’t allowed. If parents don’t like it, then don’t frequent that restaurant on Date Night. It’s simple.

Just my two cents.

What Do You Think?


 

Life Update – Regaining My Sanity July 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Christa @ 6:21 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I'm not THIS peaceful yet...but I'll get there

It’s been a few challenging months for me. But I am starting to feel better, I am starting to look forward, and I am starting to be more hopeful.

I’ve discovered the small changes I have been making have seemed to make all the difference in my work life, my home life, and in my own mental well-being.

The biggest thing, and I wish I wasn’t serious, but believe me its soooo true….I have been referring to the daycare kids as ‘Love’ or ‘Lovey” like a pet name. It has helped to remind me that even if I am at my WITS end with this child, that they deserve my love, and even if at that moment I don’t like them, deep down (and sometimes it’s REALLY deep down) I do love each and every one of them.

I have also decided to shelf all of my worry for the autumn. I have decided to enjoy our short summer, and not worry about what September will bring.  I can’t change things, I can’t worry about the unknown, if I continue to, I will make myself certifiable. I know that eventually things will work out, they have to. I don’t have a choice but to be a Mum, I don’t have the choice as to work or not, to go to the gym, swimming lessons, gymnastics, karate…I have to keep doing what I do, just as a single Mummy. I know how much I am going to miss our family time, but that will just make me treasure our weekends and time together more. S is doing this to better himself, and ultimately our family. I am so proud of him.

I have continued to faithfully go to the gym, and I love it! When I don’t work out, I feel like ass. When I do, I feel like a million dollars! I have ramped up my gym days to five a week. When I get home after my holidays, I will be adding weight training into my schedule. The end result is to keep my sanity in check, and to continue to work towards a healthier me.

So, for now, life is moseying along. I am happier at work, at home, and play. We are looking forward to some time away to visit our relatives out west, and are practically counting the hours. Miss P can’t wait for the airplane, and to swim in the lake, I can’t wait to sit on the dock with my Kindle and read from morning till night (of course with the occasional swim and sauna thrown in for good measure).

I will continue on this adventure, because it is Mi Adventure.

XO

 

I Wish I Had Been Able To Write This…. July 7, 2011

Friends For Now...Not Forever

I wish I had been able to write the following post:

http://greatsmitten.com/2011/07/06/meet-my-friend/

It was written in a blog called ‘Great Smitten’. I throughly enjoy the blog, I suggest you read some of her stuff.

Anyways, I digress. Her post yesterday was about this amazing friend she has, who she has been friends with since college, they have been through it all together, and have managed to stay true friends through it all. I can’t write a post like that. Not because I can’t write, but because I don’t seem to keep friends for long periods.

That sounds really bad. I have many friends, men and women I chat with daily, weekly and monthly, but I don’t have that best friend. I don’t have that person who I know I can tell ANYTHING to and they won’t judge me, or the situation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and why this is the case. I think I  have a few theories but who knows, I could be way off base.

Firstly, for me, I think people come into my life for a reason, that reason may not be clear at first, but, I think that everyone I know has a purpose. That purpose might be for their benefit or mine, but when that purpose has been fulfilled, then like the wind they are gone again. They may pop up in the future, they may just stay where they are. I’m not upset with this, it’s just the way it is.

A few years ago when I was on maternity leave I met an amazing woman named Jen. She also had a ‘freshie’ as we like to call newborns – straight out of the oven so to speak. We became fast friends, she was new to the city and would only be here for a year or two while her partner finished her midwifery training. Jen and I hung out with our girls at least weekly, and often got through cold winter days and night-time feedings on the phone or texting for hours on end. Eventually Jen had to go back to Toronto, unfortunately it came sooner than either one of us expected, but she had to go. That year, Jen and I had shared so many ‘firsts’ with each other that we couldn’t share with our working partners. When her daughter sat up for the first time I got a picture and a phone call with a “WOOOO HOOOOOOO!”, when my daughter was cutting 3 teeth at the same time Jen listened to me whine and cry as she held my crying, whiny baby. Jen was put into my life because during that part of my life, I needed someone like me, with similar values, and interests. I needed someone who was just as new at the Mummy Game, as I was. Jen and I remain friends, but it will never be the same. I miss her terribly, but again, it is what it is.

I have a few friends from Highschool, again, we are friendly and I value them, but we were much closer in highschool, sharing lockers, stories about boys we had crushes on, and cursing the fact that we had to wear collars for our school dress code in the 30 degree temperatures.

I often wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. Am I not attentive enough, am I a shitty friend? Don’t I call enough or hang out enough? Perhaps I am a selfish friend, making it solely about me, but I don’t think so. I think part of my problem is the opposite. I give all I have and am often let down. I know that I might intimidate people because I am passionate about certain things, but I am always willing to listen to different points of view, and can even be swayed if your argument is good!

Ugh, I really don’t know.

All of the above being said, I’m not sure I will ever have what Faith has in the Great Smitten. I think I am ok with the way my friendships work. I don’t begrudge anyone who has faded out of my life, and generally they seem to fade back in again when the time is right. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded with people who love and care for me…even if it is just for a short time.

 

Mi New Outlook, Mi New Adventure, Mi Life Is A-Changin’ July 3, 2011

'Werk It Gurl'

I am feeling a little out of control these days as evidenced by my lack of posting, and my previous post, in which I believe I used the word FUCK several times.

I am still saying a lot of ‘Fucks’, but for different reasons. Shall we start from the beginning?

I used to love my job, I would get up each morning, get dressed, do my hair, even throw on some mascara. I would socialise with my co-workers, talk about TV, gossip about other co-workers, bitch about my husband. I was making decent enough wages, had full benefits, 3 vacation weeks a year, and a boss who appreciated me. That was before I opened my own home childcare after having Miss P.

I have had some serious job dissatisfaction of late. I am tired of unappreciative parents, I am tired of working 10.5 hour days making less than minimum wage per child. I am tired of the vomit, shit, and other bodily fluids I encounter on a daily basis.  Let’s just say on a scale of one to ten, I often feel about a minus fifteen. Overall, the children I work with are lovely. Several of them I have had with me since they were a year old. I have seen many firsts, and enjoyed them. It’s the other crap I hate.

I am stuck in this job for at least two more years, so I have started to examine my life, and make changes for myself, to help me feel better, be a better Mum, and caregiver to the children I work with. I have begun small meditations before bed each night, reminding myself to be patient, kind and loving to everyone in my life. It doesn’t always work, but I feel better. I joined a gym, and have been going religiously for 3 weeks. I go 4 days a week, and mix classes in with machines. I am loving it, it has been a HUGE stress relief and the physical results don’t suck either. I have an amazing workout buddy that I have really begun to value as a friend. She is getting me through the tough shit with humour and her practical “deal with it” attitude. To go with my new-found love of the gym, I have been eating super clean. My body is my temple and I should treat it as such…I’ve always thought of that as a crock of shit, I still do, but belive it or not, I really do feel better.

In amongst all of my ‘life changes’, my husband, who has been doing his own soul-searching has finally decided to go back to school. Yep, the guy with  double major university degree, who spends his days designing and making signs is going back to school. He has chosen to take a Personal Support Worker programme that has been consolidated into 9 months in the evening, allowing him to work full-time in the day.

This is a big FUCK. On one hand, I am so proud, excited, and amazed that he is entering such a noble field, on the other hand, I am scared shitless. How am I going to handle my life, and essentially being a single parent? How am I going to juggle swimming lessons, karate, my gym time, my job, cooking, cleaning, and some semblance of a family life on my own?

S has been MY rock, my “go to” guy. He is the one I bitch to, complain to, yell at, and cry to when I am having another terrible day. In September, I will only see him in the morning for an hour, and then on the weekends. He will leave at 8:45 am, and be home at 11:00pm each night. How am I not going to lose it? How am I going to support the guy who gives me all the support? FUCK!

So, what I have decided for the next two months, is to forget about school, forget about the impending life changes, forget about my crazy job, and I am going to focus on me. I am going to focus on me getting stronger, healthier – both physically and mentally, I am going to focus on being a better wife, and mother. I am worth it, and seeing how much I am giving up in the fall, I think I have the right to be selfish right now.

So, on that note, Fuck, here’s to all the good stuff that’s going to happen this summer.

 

Motivation, or Lack Thereof May 25, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Christa @ 7:22 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

  I have been suffering from a general lack of motivation.

I am tired. Tired of my job, my house (which seems like it is in constant disrepair), my lack of money, being Super Mummy,  and generally feeling like I am always ‘ON’.

I have found of late, my down time seems to be filled with constant thoughts of what is next, how to go about it, and wondering when I’ll have the time or energy to do it. My dreams have been weird lately too. Old jobs, high school and college…weird.

This never-ending lethargy is contributing to my feeling of being less driven to do anything. I love my job, I always have. Children are what makes my world go round. Yet, in the last month I have been dreading waking up in the morning. I loathe seeing cars in my driveway at 7:15, knowing that I have 10.5 hours of work ahead of me.

My days seem to drag on, I’m sure part of it has to do with our ‘spectacular’ spring weather. I’m sure the farmers will be happy with all of the rain, but for the rest of us….not so much. I also have two broken fingers right now, this has been limiting in what I can and can’t do. I had been so excited that I had dug out 4 gardens 2 weeks ago, I planted some lovely bulbs. Now it’s time to plant my front garden, and I have a splinted hand, and a partner who is FAR less enthusiastic about flowers than I am.

We had a long weekend this past weekend, and it really kinda sucked. Sick hubby, cranky kiddo, bitchy me.

Oh well, this is a pissy entry. Sorry. I’ll do better next time.

 

 
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