Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Someday… August 6, 2012

Waiting for my someday….

I’ve been on vacation for the last two weeks, I’ve not blogged, but have been able to spend some time reflecting on what I need and want for my future.

At this point in my life everything is so up in the air, I feel very out of control, and overwhelmed with the changes that are fast approaching. Shaughn is moving in less than a month, my surgery fu for the end of September, we are talking more about Paisley and school, and I am missing friends and family who are far away.

I guess the following is just really my own little pipe dream, and if bits and pieces of it come true than fantastic, until then…I’ll keep waiting for my Someday.

SOMEDAY, I want to have my perfect life. I don’t mean like white picket fences, or lots of money. I just want a partner who loves me and Paisley. I want to be comfortable, I don’t want to have to worry about money or bills, and I want to have enough saved up that I can take a vacation, or go someplace neat on a rainy day. I want Paisley to grow up knowing that even though Shaughn and I couldn’t make it work, that we still love her, and that we will always have her back. I want her to know that she can have a fairy tale ending even though I didn’t.

SOMEDAY, I want to have a job I love and that I feel like I am making a difference in people’s lives. In most respects, I have that now. I do love my job, I love the kids, the chaos, and the joy I feel when I am with them. I generally feel like I am making a difference. But, my hours are long, I live at work, and sometimes I feel under appreciated. I’m not sure what I want to do, a big part of me wants to work with LGBTQ youth, or to work in the school system teaching teachers and staff about the many issues LGBTQ youth face at home, with friends and family, in the community and at school. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if there is a need (I really think there is though), I don’t know what kind of education I would need, or if it is something that I would be satisfied with in the end.

SOMEDAY, I want another child. I want to give a child in the system a forever home. I can’t have any more of my own, and I don’t really want a baby (ugh, I’m sooo not a baby person) but I would love to adopt an older child, someone who needs a family to love them, and to celebrate them.

SOMEDAY, I want to fall head over heels in love. I want to go to bed wrapped up in love, and wake up the same way. I want to be smart about it next time. I want to value myself, and treat myself properly. I have to be ok with being alone first, knowing I can do it on my own, before letting someone new in. I can’t let the fear of being alone cloud my judgment in the future. If I end up alone, I have to be ok with that, but if I find a new partner, I need to make sure that they are the right person for me. I can’t do this again; not to myself or to Paisley. Separating and divorce sucks rocks. The End.

SOMEDAY, I want to be able to look back on my marriage to Shaughn and not feel anger, guilt, or sadness. I want to be able to be open-minded to all the good things that happened despite the breakdown. I want to be able to see all the good things that came out of it, and not just see the bad stuff. I want to be able to share silly stories with Paisley about what her daddy was like, and the crazy things we did when we were young. I want to look back and feel a sense of happiness. It hasn’t all been bad, it’s just hard to see the good some days.

SOMEDAY, I want a cure for cancer, all cancers, not just mine. I don’t want any other families to go through the same shit I am going through, and that my family has gone through in the last 10 years. It’s heartbreaking.

Lastly,

SOMEDAY, I want to wake up and know that everything is ok in my world. I want to smile, and embrace my life. I want to feel happy, I want to feel safe; and I want to feel that I can take on any challenge thrown at me because I am strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to take it on.

I can’t wait for SOMEDAY.

 

 

Singleton Guilt. February 12, 2012

The One And Only One

I often (too often) am asked about when we are going to give Paisley a sibling. I am asked by family, friends, strangers, other mothers at the park, teachers, cousins, and just plain everyone. I’m sure that everyone who asks is well meaning, but as far as I am concerned, they are far too nosey.

Remarks like ‘So, she’s four, when are you having another?’ or ‘Wow, you had better hurry up or you’ll have one in diapers and one in college’ are not helpful, rather, they feed into my guilt for choosing to have just one child.

In todays society the number of singleton children is increasingly growing 43% of Canadian families have only one child (according to the last census), that is a lot of  children without siblings. So why am I constantly questioned about our decision?

Most people have arguments about why having an only child is a bad decision:

-They will be lonely

-They won’t learn to share

-They won’t have good problem solving skills

-They will have trouble making friends

-They will have trouble with conflict resolution

-When we die, they won’t have anyone to lean on

And the list goes on and on. What many people don’t realise is that all of these reasons are not valid. Many children with siblings have the same issues, it has nothing to do with having or not having siblings, but in how the children are raised.

Our decision to have one child was not one we made lightly. After four years of infertility, and a year of treatment for it, we were spent; emotionally, physically and financially. When we recovered and had the discussion as to whether or not we even wanted to entertain the thought of another, it was pretty clear to both of us that no, we were happy with our one, and that having another would not make our family any better, happier or fuller.

By having ¬†just one, we feel we are able to offer her more than if we had two or three . She generally has our undivided attention, there is no arguing over who’s turn it is to do anything, it’s always Paisley’s turn (unfortunately for her that also means it’s always her turn to set the table and tidy shoes). By having one child, financially we will be able to provide for her much more than by having siblings. Only one university tuition, one prom, one wedding (hopefully). We are able to spend more time with her on school work, sports, reading, and tea parties.

With all of this being said, all of it, I will admit that sometimes I do feel guilty for our choice. I question our motives, are we being selfish? I wonder if she will be lonely, will she have trouble, what if she doesn’t end up making a strong connection with someone who will help her through the hard stuff, but again, it’s a lot of what if’s.

I watch her now, at almost 4 (eep!), and I see that she has friends, she can share, argue, and problem solve with the best of them. I also see a child who is confident, is beyond her peers educationally, is a great communicator. I see a child who is empathetic, who is caring, and watches and explores the world around her not caring that she is alone doing it. I see a child who when she needs some extra love and attention doesn’t need to wait, or fight for it.

I think it is wonderful that many families have more than one child, I think that it also has many fantastic things to bring to the table. I am happy that there are people out there who have lots of children, I am just not one of them, and I’m ok with that. I just wish everyone else was too.

 

 
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