Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Bluesy Tuesday… July 3, 2012

Not a super day….

I had an awful night. I couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep I was woken up by nightmares, often crying.

I hate that, it’s bad enough to have a bad sleep, but to wake up crying is the worst. I just think I am still trying to wrap my head around a million things. I can’t do it during the day as I am too busy to think about a pee break, let alone, how the hell I am going to deal with all this.

I had to tell my daycare parents about my diagnosis. There were lots of sad faces this morning as children were dropped off for the day. Everyone wanted a hug, I just couldn’t do it. If I hugged any of them, I would have lost my shit. Not something I want to do in front of the kids (or parents for that matter).

I know everyone wants to support me, everyone wants to let me know it’s going to be ok, and in my heart I know that too, but still there is still the doubt, and fear of the unknown. I don’t know how to accept the support. I’m usually the one giving it, I have a really hard time being on the other side of it. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself. I never want to be perceived as weak. I want the world to see me as a confident, headstrong, rock, not how I really feel which is a quivering pile of gelatinous goo…nice image eh?

I push people away, I redirect focus away from myself. I tell people I don’t need help, that I can do this on my own. In most ways I have to do it on my own, no one can do it for me, but by the same token, if I could just LET PEOPLE IN, I know I wouldn’t feel the same burden.

Ugh, I really don’t know how to do it. I wish I did, and I’m trying, but failing miserably. I know it, the people closest to me know it, I just don’t know how to reach out and say ‘Sure, I need help, I need support, I feel like I am falling into oblivion and I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out’. After doing things my way for 35 years, how do I change my thinking and my actions? How do I raise Paisley to be able to accept help but still remain strong and independent if  I can’t role model that for her?

So my goal this week is to be open to accepting help, it will be to answer the question “How are you?” honestly. If I am having a crap day then I’ll let people know, if I’m ok, I’ll answer that too. We’ll see how it goes, I have 35 years of walls to break down…that’s a lot of bricks y’all!

 

Live Like We’re Dying April 15, 2012

Kris Allen – Live Like We’re Dying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbfeSImDntw&ob=av2e

I heard this song for the first time today, I love it. I love the message. Live, like it’s your last day, what would you do with your life? Would you live it the same way?

We are all given such a short time here, our lives are so fleeting. Some days seem to go on forever, we get caught up in the crazy, we don’t take time to appreciate the beauty and joy around us. God knows I’m guilty of it.

There are only 86,400 seconds in a day. That’s it. How do you spend those seconds? Do you live with regret, not doing something that you know you should have done, wishing that you could go back and make a different decision in your life? Do you speak your mind, or do you not; afraid of who might not like what comes out. Are you scared, do you let that fear control parts of your life?

Human nature is to be safe. We play safely, wearing our protective equipment, we buckle up. (I’m not suggesting we not do either of these things.) But we don’t generally take risks with our lives, our decisions, our hearts.

What would happen if we started to live more authentically? Would we be hurt more often, or would we benefit from our honesty? Would we enjoy our lives more? Taking the job we love, versus taking the job that pays more, or by taking a leap of faith and telling someone we love them when we know it may never be reciprocated. If we all started to live our lives differently would we be happier?

Would we be more tolerant? Would we start putting faith into more things that just don’t make sense but seem real?

What would you do if you lived like you were dying?

 

 
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