Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

The Day His Ring Came Off… December 1, 2012

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Eight Years, Eleven Months, Some Odd Days…

I noticed last week Shaughn had taken off  his wedding ring. I had taken mine off months ago. It’s probably been close to a year. I would tell people that it was because my hands get so dry in the winter months, but in reality, I knew my marriage was over even then. I would put them on for special occasions, or family get togethers, but for everyday things I took them off.  I remember Shaughn questioning me about them once or twice, but I always had a reason why I wasn’t wearing them.

Initially, when I took the rings off I felt guilty. I felt like I was betraying Shaughn, my family, his family. I felt that I was giving up on us, I wasn’t trying hard enough for Paisley’s sake. I felt horrible.

At the same time, I couldn’t wear them. I felt like I was living a lie. I wasn’t in love any more. I didn’t want to be in my marriage. I was tired of being the wife, of holding it all together with limited support. I had tried so hard, for so long, and I had just given up. I continued to lie to myself, to Shaughn, to our families for many more months until I had the balls to end our married relationship.

By the time June came around, and I was ready to discuss everything with Shaughn, it had been since before Christmas that I had worn my rings, 6 or 7 months had passed. I had rarely thought of them, but had them tucked away safely.

On June 17th we agreed to end our marriage. I will never forget that day, the flood of emotions that came pouring from me. The incredulity at Shaughn’s lack of response to my utter sense of relief that I could start to live again. I cried, as much as I needed this, I also needed to know things would be ok. I needed to know he and I would be ok. I needed to know he didn’t hate me. As much as we had been through, I didn’t hate Shaughn, I couldn’t bear it if he hated me. I hated our marriage, but not him. Thankfully we have maintained a friendship through all of this. At times it is strained, and awkward, but it’s the beginning of something new; a new friendship with a very old friend.

All of this brings me back to last Friday night. Shaughn came to pick Paisley up for the weekend, and I noticed he had finally taken off his wedding band. I notice things, small things. Like removing a ring. Since June, I had wondered when he would take it off, I was slightly frustrated that he was still wearing it, wondering what he was thinking or feeling. Wondering why he was still wearing it 5 months after the fact. When I noticed it last week, I guess I finally felt closure. It brought with it hurt, and a few tears. Unresolved feelings that I will never resolve. I don’t want to dive into that tank of sharks. It also brought with it the feeling that I could move on, guilt free. I can live my life without worrying about how my actions will affect him.

I want to be happy. I want Shaughn to be happy. I want him to find someone who makes him feel over the moon in love, something I could never do for him. I want him to find a partner who respects him, and treats our daughter like the remarkable girl she is. I want him to find his ‘person’ and not to settle for the one who is a close second.

On the inside of my band, he had inscribed “Christa, with all my heart” I don’t think I ever had his whole heart, but I hope one day he finds the girl who can have it.

 

An Update November 30, 2012

Finally Feeling like me again.

I’ve not posted recently, life is back to its normal routine. I work, I sleep, I work, I sleep. I’ve had so many changes in the last 6 months, it’s just now, that I’m learning to live in my new reality.

I guess my health first. I am cancer free. As in none. All Clear. BEST NEWS EVER. I have a visit with my oncologist Monday, not a visit really, but you know…after that I have a 6 month appointment, then one at a year post op. I generally feel fantastic, I’m pretty well healed up, I’m trying to view my horrible incision as a battle scar. I had cancer, I beat it, and I have the war wound to prove it. No more low-rise jeans, bring on the highrise Mom Jeans…fml. Oh well.

My energy is at an all time low. I liken it to the days when I had a 3 week old and the adrenaline of a new babe has worn off and I was up every 2 hours feeding…I’m that kind of tired. My sleep is often interrupted by hot flashes, dreams, and just the inability to sleep. It’s all kinds of suck ass but I know it will improve, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I’ve decided at this point to stop HRT, so I guess I’m willingly putting myself through menopause…kinda sadistic. I’m doing it for good reason though. The women in my family seem to be afflicted with the BCRA1 and BCRA2 genes, the ones directly involved with both breast and ovarian cancer. I don’t have ovaries, but I have BOOOOOBS…two of them in fact. The HRT, although it was a very low dose, can still effect my chances of developing cancer, and if I also have the gene, then I’m even more so putting myself in direct risk of developing breast cancer. I just beat it once, let’s not test the fates shall we? So, no more HRT. I can tell you it is the pits. I can’t imagine hot flashes are awesome at any age, but at 35, I feel ridiculous. Thankfully it’s winter and I can quickly relieve symptoms (which I did at 4:30 this morning by standing outside in my night-shirt until the searing heat radiating off me subsided). I have an appointment scheduled with my GP to be referred to the geneticist to have the testing for the BCRA genes. So, fingers crossed it’s quick to get in, the results come quickly, and that I manage to dodge the bullet. If not it’ll be another surgery to remove the ‘girls’. On the plus side, if that happens, you can damn well bet, when I come out of surgery, I’m going to have fake tits that make a 17-year-old highschool senior jealous!

The second of the big changes has been my separation. This too is going well. We are doing divorce well. Is that even possible? Happily Divorced? Funny but it fits. Things had been a titch rocky, but now for the most part we are doing great. Shaughn is being a fantastic dad, which he always has been, and is better at being a friend to me. He has joined Paisley and I for dinner, and things (although slightly awkward) went well. I hope this can continue.

I like our friendship, I do not want a romantic relationship. I’m happy. Like Super fucking happy. It’s hard being a single mum; Really Really Tough, but I love it. I love the time I get to spend with Pais, I’m much happier, our house if filled with much more laughter, dancing, and joy. God knows I needed more Joy. I am enjoying my time with Pais, we are doing really fun things together that we just didn’t do. There was always someplace to go, or someplace to be. There wasn’t much time for kitchen parties, blaring Taylor Swift and singing into wooden spoons…now there is.

Paisley and I have a new and different relationship. I’m no longer competing with Shaughn for her attention, her world no longer revolves around him being home. That sounds horrible, but really that is how things have felt for the last almost 5 years. If Shaughn was home Paisley was glued to him. In many ways I don’t feel she and I were able to have a good relationship because she was too busy being with him. Nowadays she and I are close. Super close. I love it! She and Shaughn talk daily, and she sees him quite often. But when she’s with me, she’s with me. There are a lot more snuggles, books being read, letters being printed, singing and dancing. There is more My Little Pony play instead of watching, and lots of fun outings. I think we are both loving our new life.

I have a new post starting in my head, so I am going to sign off, I will try to post more now that life has found its new normal. Thank you to everyone for all the amazing words of support and kindness. Thank you for the words of encouragement to start writing again, sometimes I just need that little kick in the pants to get going again.

 

Someday… August 6, 2012

Waiting for my someday….

I’ve been on vacation for the last two weeks, I’ve not blogged, but have been able to spend some time reflecting on what I need and want for my future.

At this point in my life everything is so up in the air, I feel very out of control, and overwhelmed with the changes that are fast approaching. Shaughn is moving in less than a month, my surgery fu for the end of September, we are talking more about Paisley and school, and I am missing friends and family who are far away.

I guess the following is just really my own little pipe dream, and if bits and pieces of it come true than fantastic, until then…I’ll keep waiting for my Someday.

SOMEDAY, I want to have my perfect life. I don’t mean like white picket fences, or lots of money. I just want a partner who loves me and Paisley. I want to be comfortable, I don’t want to have to worry about money or bills, and I want to have enough saved up that I can take a vacation, or go someplace neat on a rainy day. I want Paisley to grow up knowing that even though Shaughn and I couldn’t make it work, that we still love her, and that we will always have her back. I want her to know that she can have a fairy tale ending even though I didn’t.

SOMEDAY, I want to have a job I love and that I feel like I am making a difference in people’s lives. In most respects, I have that now. I do love my job, I love the kids, the chaos, and the joy I feel when I am with them. I generally feel like I am making a difference. But, my hours are long, I live at work, and sometimes I feel under appreciated. I’m not sure what I want to do, a big part of me wants to work with LGBTQ youth, or to work in the school system teaching teachers and staff about the many issues LGBTQ youth face at home, with friends and family, in the community and at school. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if there is a need (I really think there is though), I don’t know what kind of education I would need, or if it is something that I would be satisfied with in the end.

SOMEDAY, I want another child. I want to give a child in the system a forever home. I can’t have any more of my own, and I don’t really want a baby (ugh, I’m sooo not a baby person) but I would love to adopt an older child, someone who needs a family to love them, and to celebrate them.

SOMEDAY, I want to fall head over heels in love. I want to go to bed wrapped up in love, and wake up the same way. I want to be smart about it next time. I want to value myself, and treat myself properly. I have to be ok with being alone first, knowing I can do it on my own, before letting someone new in. I can’t let the fear of being alone cloud my judgment in the future. If I end up alone, I have to be ok with that, but if I find a new partner, I need to make sure that they are the right person for me. I can’t do this again; not to myself or to Paisley. Separating and divorce sucks rocks. The End.

SOMEDAY, I want to be able to look back on my marriage to Shaughn and not feel anger, guilt, or sadness. I want to be able to be open-minded to all the good things that happened despite the breakdown. I want to be able to see all the good things that came out of it, and not just see the bad stuff. I want to be able to share silly stories with Paisley about what her daddy was like, and the crazy things we did when we were young. I want to look back and feel a sense of happiness. It hasn’t all been bad, it’s just hard to see the good some days.

SOMEDAY, I want a cure for cancer, all cancers, not just mine. I don’t want any other families to go through the same shit I am going through, and that my family has gone through in the last 10 years. It’s heartbreaking.

Lastly,

SOMEDAY, I want to wake up and know that everything is ok in my world. I want to smile, and embrace my life. I want to feel happy, I want to feel safe; and I want to feel that I can take on any challenge thrown at me because I am strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to take it on.

I can’t wait for SOMEDAY.

 

 

Just Need To Sleep July 15, 2012

RAIN : The ground in dreams generally links to the facts and reality of your life. The sky generally symbolises the future and anticipation of change. Rain tends to link to things that are unsettling you.
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I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately. Not really surprising given the current state of my life.

My sleep has been littered with crazy dreams, waking crying, or with my heart about to beat out of my chest. I am often too afraid to fall back to sleep, as I don’t want to have another nightmare, or deal with whatever is lurking in the recesses of my mind.

It’s amazing how our brains process our waking life. I’ve tried my hardest to remember my dreams, I’m usually not very good at it. I think my brain isn’t letting me remember, to insulate me from my own brand of crazy.

There are some very specific things that I do remember, and they are often reoccurring.

Rain is a big one, dark skies, with rain just pouring down on me. I know I feel cold and wet and scared. I don’t remember if there is thunder or lightening. I don’t think there is though, I would remember that. I know that when I wake up from the rain dreams, I feel very unsettled. I am scared and usually upset. This is all interesting as most of the dream interpretations I’ve read have said that rain is a good thing. It symbolises renewal and fertility (HAHAHAHA – Fertility, for the Cancer Girl about to get rid of all her girly bits!!!) The interpretation in my picture seems to fit well.

If I look at the ground in my dreams, it is wet. I am usually barefoot in a deep puddle up to my ankles. But I must have expected it because my jeans are folded up. Everything is muddy, I’m not in the grass, or even really near any. I’m not necessarily in a city either, I don’t/can’t recall any concrete, just a big mud puddle.

So If I use the above interpretation for the ground part of my dream, I guess I feel mired down in the mud. Between the Cancer and Separation, I can’t seem to get out. I feel stuck, unable to make a move in any direction. I need someone to come and help me because I just can’t get out on my own…Which is FREAKING crazy…says Ms. Independent Can Do It On My Own-I Don’t Need Anyone To Save Me…yeah….maybe I do need some help?

Ok, so onto the skies in my dreams, which symbolise the future and anticipation of change…Well things aren’t looking too hot in that department either.

The sky is generally dark, lots of angry clouds, sometimes I know they are swirling around, other times, they are just big dark grey clouds. I don’t recall any wind. So again using the above interpretation, I would have to say that I am angry, scared, and feel like shit about my future and the changes that are happening. I’m wondering if when the clouds are swirly I’m digesting the movement of things forward? Shaughn moving out, the Oncology appointment? And on the days where the clouds are just dark and foreboding, if I am feeling stagnant?  They are just there raining down on me?

So, the rain tends to link the things that are unsettling to you. Well that is crap. It’s all rather unsettling don’t you think????

I am going to try to remember more dreams, I am going to do some research on how to remember them. The rain is the one steady one, I must have it two or three times a week.

Have a great Sunday….Cancer Girl, Out!

 

What’s Good, and What’s Not Broken July 12, 2012

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And now I have to focus on what’s good, not what is broken.

So I’ve kept rather quiet about all of this for over a month, I’m not sure why. Maybe I was trying to protect myself, maybe I didn’t want it to seem like my whole world is caving in. I don’t want to be seen as a failure…so many different things I guess.

My 9 year marriage is ending. Suck Ass. It’s been a long time coming, it’s just the time is now. Not perfect timing, but the cancer stuff happened after the decision to end things.

Shaughn and I are two very different  people. For the last few years, we have drifted further and further apart, this last year with him at school has just exacerbated many of the issues that have always been there.

We are still friends, and I hope that we can always remain friends. This marriage took two people to make, and it’s taken two people to break it. We are ending things now so that we can still be friends, so we can leave not angry or too hurt.

We are both committed to being the best parents to our lovely Paisley that we can be, and to do that, we need to be committed to being friends, to communicating, and to still remaining as much of a family as we can be.

So now I’m looking at being a single Mum with Cancer…FML.

Really though, as much as all of this hurts, I’m excited about my future again, I’m looking forward to finding who I am, who I’ve lost over the last 12 years. I think a part of me has been hidden away. I did that because I thought that I would never find someone who loved me, I put my own feelings aside because I was in love. I chose to alter myself, my needs and wants to stay in this relationship because I was too afraid to do it on my own. This was unfair to myself, but equally as unfair to Shaughn. This last year has taught me that I CAN do it on my own, and that I know I can do a good job of it.

While I am excited, a part of me is scared. Pais is not going to do well initially, I know that, and I am going to be the one who will have to pick up most of the pieces of her crumbling world. I’m scared that I won’t have time to do it all. Shaughn has always done certain things; taken out the trash, cleaned the cat litter, he sets the dishwasher and unloads it everyday, he looks after the yard work. I wonder when exactly I’m going to get it all done. on top of being a Mum, having a full-time job, doing my volunteer work, and having a minute social life. He even makes my coffee for me every morning…now after a few trials and errors, I have figured that out, and when I say errors, ooh man I mean errors!!!!!

So yeah, the ride gets bumpier and has some crazy twists, but I’m doing ok. I am going to be great. We are going to be awesome parents to our girl. We are determined. This is totally sad and sucky, but it’s going to be ok. We all deserve to be happy, Paisley, Shaughn and I, it’s just unfortunate we can’t all be happy together.

Live and Learn my friends, Live and Learn.

 

The Walk Before The Run April 25, 2012

We all have to start somewhere...

We all have to start somewhere right? We aren’t born doing all the amazing things we can do as adults. We have to learn to feed ourselves, to talk and walk. We learn empathy, how to appropriately express our feelings of happiness, anger, joy and sorrow.

We don’t know anything, and everything is a learning process. This continues our whole lives, through school, through relationships, through jobs, and through our surroundings.

I have thought a lot about what I am learning about myself lately. I’ve taken time to examine who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. Figuring out how I am going to get there, and what I need to do to reach the finish line.

My life wasn’t easy growing up, it wasn’t horrible by any stretch, but it wasn’t easy. I always felt that I had to live up to my parents standards, even when I tried my hardest, I still failed in their eyes. They loved me fiercely, and still do. I’m blessed to have them both as a huge part of my life. I still find myself reaching to meet their expectations, but I allow myself to fail now. I’m ok with it, even if they aren’t.

I spent a lot of my teenage years in turmoil, bouts with depression, relationships that weren’t good for me, drinking, drugs, doing stupid things just to make my pain stop. Of course none of it worked. I still managed to keep up a good average at school, and got into college with no problem. I was taking law, but dropped out after a semester. It just wasn’t me. I was bound by all these rules, I’m not much for conformity.

After dropping out, I volunteered, I travelled a bit, I needed to find out who I was, what I needed to do with my life. I needed to slow down, and look at my life. I had always done what others wanted me to do, and pushed down what I wanted for myself.

After a year of no school, I re-applied and was accepted into the Early Childhood Education programme, where I finally felt at home. I was in my element. I could get down and dirty with a bunch of two-year olds and go home at night, happy. I’ve never had a super paycheck, BUT I get a lot more out of my job.

I had to try one thing in college first before settling on what I really loved and needed for my life.

I find myself in a situation now, where my life is up in the air, Shaughn is still in school, rarely home, I’m a mummy who does it all. I’m learning the ropes still, 8 months later. It’s painfully slow, and some days I don’t know if I can do it. I just think I have it figured out, and wham, something stops me in my tracks, and I have to start over again.

One day I’ll run again, one day this will figure itself out, and I will find my footing.

 

My Adventure Ended…. April 12, 2012

Going Home Is Hard To Do.

Well, I made it back home unscathed, somewhat rested, and with feelings of mixed sorts.

I was unbelievably excited to see my Paisley. God I missed her. 5 days away was long enough. I missed my girl, her drama, her early waking, her laugh, her excitement, I missed it all. I was so happy when I went in to kiss her at 2 am, she woke up briefly, and smiled, and said “Mummy, I missed you”…melted my heart.

I was excited to see Shaughn, but truthfully, we still haven’t seen each other. We have not connected, I haven’t really told him anything about my trip. He has seen a few pics on Instagram, but really that’s about it. I hate this.

My life seems to have just continued exactly where I left off, I got home, got things ready for work, slept for 4 hours, woke up and had the kids that morning. Nothing has changed. It’s still the same life.

When I left, I was going for a break, which I did get. I spent time doing things I love, I was in the outdoors pretty much everyday, I was able to explore a new city, and be with a wonderful friend. I was able to remember who I was, and where I came from; before I was Mummy, before 5 kids called for me every minute of my 10 hour work day. I was able to laugh, and cry and talk…and talk….and talk. I was able to have real conversations, that weren’t filled with interruptions, or explanations.

I enjoyed doing new things, and hearing new stories about things and places I had never been or seen. It was wonderful to be away.

On Monday, I woke with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I knew my time away was over. I had to go back. Real life was calling my name. I packed and got ready for my trip to Milwaukee. Thankfully it was a 3 hour drive, still time to talk, and laugh. As soon as Miller Park (where the Brewers play) came into view, my stomach dropped. It was really ending. I was going to have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. HATE THEM. There was a pretty big line at the train station and we were able to talk a bit more before I boarded.

And then I had to go. My adventure was over. I had to say Good Bye to Elliot, see you in July.

It was a very uneventful ride to Chicago, I snuggled with Paisley’s cow, and just stared out the window. A million things drifted through my head as I watched the world pass out my window.

I finally arrived home to London at 2 am. It was a long trip, I was exhausted. I was looking for my bed before I stepped a foot inside the door.

So, now I wait till July. Elliot will be here for my vacation, and I will show him London, we will be hitting our Pride festival, checking out Toronto and Niagara Falls, campfires, and fun. I can’t wait. Another break. Hopefully by then Shaughn will be more settled in a job, and my life will resemble something of that of a year ago, and not my current crazy.

 

 

 

 

 
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