Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Someday… August 6, 2012

Waiting for my someday….

I’ve been on vacation for the last two weeks, I’ve not blogged, but have been able to spend some time reflecting on what I need and want for my future.

At this point in my life everything is so up in the air, I feel very out of control, and overwhelmed with the changes that are fast approaching. Shaughn is moving in less than a month, my surgery fu for the end of September, we are talking more about Paisley and school, and I am missing friends and family who are far away.

I guess the following is just really my own little pipe dream, and if bits and pieces of it come true than fantastic, until then…I’ll keep waiting for my Someday.

SOMEDAY, I want to have my perfect life. I don’t mean like white picket fences, or lots of money. I just want a partner who loves me and Paisley. I want to be comfortable, I don’t want to have to worry about money or bills, and I want to have enough saved up that I can take a vacation, or go someplace neat on a rainy day. I want Paisley to grow up knowing that even though Shaughn and I couldn’t make it work, that we still love her, and that we will always have her back. I want her to know that she can have a fairy tale ending even though I didn’t.

SOMEDAY, I want to have a job I love and that I feel like I am making a difference in people’s lives. In most respects, I have that now. I do love my job, I love the kids, the chaos, and the joy I feel when I am with them. I generally feel like I am making a difference. But, my hours are long, I live at work, and sometimes I feel under appreciated. I’m not sure what I want to do, a big part of me wants to work with LGBTQ youth, or to work in the school system teaching teachers and staff about the many issues LGBTQ youth face at home, with friends and family, in the community and at school. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if there is a need (I really think there is though), I don’t know what kind of education I would need, or if it is something that I would be satisfied with in the end.

SOMEDAY, I want another child. I want to give a child in the system a forever home. I can’t have any more of my own, and I don’t really want a baby (ugh, I’m sooo not a baby person) but I would love to adopt an older child, someone who needs a family to love them, and to celebrate them.

SOMEDAY, I want to fall head over heels in love. I want to go to bed wrapped up in love, and wake up the same way. I want to be smart about it next time. I want to value myself, and treat myself properly. I have to be ok with being alone first, knowing I can do it on my own, before letting someone new in. I can’t let the fear of being alone cloud my judgment in the future. If I end up alone, I have to be ok with that, but if I find a new partner, I need to make sure that they are the right person for me. I can’t do this again; not to myself or to Paisley. Separating and divorce sucks rocks. The End.

SOMEDAY, I want to be able to look back on my marriage to Shaughn and not feel anger, guilt, or sadness. I want to be able to be open-minded to all the good things that happened despite the breakdown. I want to be able to see all the good things that came out of it, and not just see the bad stuff. I want to be able to share silly stories with Paisley about what her daddy was like, and the crazy things we did when we were young. I want to look back and feel a sense of happiness. It hasn’t all been bad, it’s just hard to see the good some days.

SOMEDAY, I want a cure for cancer, all cancers, not just mine. I don’t want any other families to go through the same shit I am going through, and that my family has gone through in the last 10 years. It’s heartbreaking.

Lastly,

SOMEDAY, I want to wake up and know that everything is ok in my world. I want to smile, and embrace my life. I want to feel happy, I want to feel safe; and I want to feel that I can take on any challenge thrown at me because I am strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to take it on.

I can’t wait for SOMEDAY.

 

 

Mia Famiglia – My Family July 6, 2012

It’s not my family, but it’s close enough!

Ok, so the picture isn’t exactly accurate.

I come from a very large family. I have Aunts, Uncles, a million cousins, and then their kids to make up another half million (No really, they all just have to stop having kids).

Growing up, my family always did things together. Regular playdates, family dinners and BBQ’s, birthday parties, road trips, you name it we did it. Some of my fondest childhood memories are with my extended family. Summers at the beach with my grandmother, giant new year’s eve parties with all the cousins, racing for quarters at the bottom of the pool against my brother and whoever else would challenge me.

Family has always been one of the most important things in my life. I speak with my parents almost daily, I talk with my brother almost every other day. My brother and I are very close. We always have been. Joel and I are 18 months apart and have always shared everything; Friends, clothes, toys, midnight secrets, heartbreak and love. He is and will always be my best friend.

So this week I had to let my family know about my diagnosis. Not an easy task. Rather than call everyone, because I know I’d never get through it, I emailed most people.  I was very nervous emailing everyone, all of my first cousins have had a parent die from Cancer, one Aunt just two years ago, the other 10 years ago. I was afraid of how they would feel. I also had to email Aunts and Uncles who had lost these two sisters.

Family has once again surrounded me with love, encouragement, and words that make things seem a bit easier.

I have friends that seem much more like family then they do friends, I often don’t know where I’d be day to do without them. Elliot, Cerys, Adele, Haley, and Jeanette, you 5 make sure I’m ok, keep me smiling and are the most wonderful friends I could ever hope for. Words of thanks will never be enough for all you do. You will always be family in my book, friends just doesn’t cover how I feel about you guys.

I am so blessed, I know that I’m going to kick this, I know that with the people closest to me, I will have all the strength I need especially when I need it most.

 

 
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