My life has been upside down for 7 months, and I’m not sure when the ‘crazy’ will end. I don’t know how much more I have to give. I feel like I am floundering, and failing at pretty much everything.
Let me preface this by saying, I’m not looking for solutions, advice, or pity. I am just a struggling Mama, and I’m doing the best I can with the skills and resources that I have.
Any of my regular readers know that my partner Shaughn has been in school since September, he went back to school to become a personal support worker, his hopes are to gain employment working in palliative care. He is currently also working full-time. Herein lies the problem.
My daughter Paisley is having an even harder time than I am. She is teary, upset, and angry, She doesn’t understand. She sees Shaughn for a grand total of 1 hour in the morning. During that hour it is showers, dressed, breakfast, I can’t help her, she misses her Daddy. She is taking her hurt out on me.
I see Shaughn for about the same amount of time. I might see him for a few minutes at night, but after a 15 hour day he and I are both done. We talk about the bills, the laundry, and the next days agenda. then goodnight.
I feel like I am failing as a mother, partner, daughter, caregiver. I am angry, I am tired. I am so tired. I feel like I am being pulled in 6 different directions, and I can’t find my footing. I have tried for so long, but it just isn’t happening.
I am heading out-of-town for a few days, hopefully some R&R. I need to regroup and refocus. I am excited that Shaughn and P will get some much-needed bonding time. I am sad that I will miss Easter, and my family, but I think I need to look after myself now. I need a change of scenery, I need to escape my 4 walls and just be Christa for a few days.
I know some people have expressed that I am being selfish, I should be with my child and family, and to these people I say ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’. Spend an entire day doing what I do, then tell me you can do it for 8 months, day in and out, without a break. I can tell you now, there are not too many people who can.
So, yes, I am being selfish. I am ok with it. I need it.
So, hopefully after this mini holiday, I will be in a better place to start my blogging regularly again. I will find the motivation to take a few minutes every few days for myself to write.
See y’all on the flip side yo!