Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

Someday… August 6, 2012

Waiting for my someday….

I’ve been on vacation for the last two weeks, I’ve not blogged, but have been able to spend some time reflecting on what I need and want for my future.

At this point in my life everything is so up in the air, I feel very out of control, and overwhelmed with the changes that are fast approaching. Shaughn is moving in less than a month, my surgery fu for the end of September, we are talking more about Paisley and school, and I am missing friends and family who are far away.

I guess the following is just really my own little pipe dream, and if bits and pieces of it come true than fantastic, until then…I’ll keep waiting for my Someday.

SOMEDAY, I want to have my perfect life. I don’t mean like white picket fences, or lots of money. I just want a partner who loves me and Paisley. I want to be comfortable, I don’t want to have to worry about money or bills, and I want to have enough saved up that I can take a vacation, or go someplace neat on a rainy day. I want Paisley to grow up knowing that even though Shaughn and I couldn’t make it work, that we still love her, and that we will always have her back. I want her to know that she can have a fairy tale ending even though I didn’t.

SOMEDAY, I want to have a job I love and that I feel like I am making a difference in people’s lives. In most respects, I have that now. I do love my job, I love the kids, the chaos, and the joy I feel when I am with them. I generally feel like I am making a difference. But, my hours are long, I live at work, and sometimes I feel under appreciated. I’m not sure what I want to do, a big part of me wants to work with LGBTQ youth, or to work in the school system teaching teachers and staff about the many issues LGBTQ youth face at home, with friends and family, in the community and at school. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if there is a need (I really think there is though), I don’t know what kind of education I would need, or if it is something that I would be satisfied with in the end.

SOMEDAY, I want another child. I want to give a child in the system a forever home. I can’t have any more of my own, and I don’t really want a baby (ugh, I’m sooo not a baby person) but I would love to adopt an older child, someone who needs a family to love them, and to celebrate them.

SOMEDAY, I want to fall head over heels in love. I want to go to bed wrapped up in love, and wake up the same way. I want to be smart about it next time. I want to value myself, and treat myself properly. I have to be ok with being alone first, knowing I can do it on my own, before letting someone new in. I can’t let the fear of being alone cloud my judgment in the future. If I end up alone, I have to be ok with that, but if I find a new partner, I need to make sure that they are the right person for me. I can’t do this again; not to myself or to Paisley. Separating and divorce sucks rocks. The End.

SOMEDAY, I want to be able to look back on my marriage to Shaughn and not feel anger, guilt, or sadness. I want to be able to be open-minded to all the good things that happened despite the breakdown. I want to be able to see all the good things that came out of it, and not just see the bad stuff. I want to be able to share silly stories with Paisley about what her daddy was like, and the crazy things we did when we were young. I want to look back and feel a sense of happiness. It hasn’t all been bad, it’s just hard to see the good some days.

SOMEDAY, I want a cure for cancer, all cancers, not just mine. I don’t want any other families to go through the same shit I am going through, and that my family has gone through in the last 10 years. It’s heartbreaking.

Lastly,

SOMEDAY, I want to wake up and know that everything is ok in my world. I want to smile, and embrace my life. I want to feel happy, I want to feel safe; and I want to feel that I can take on any challenge thrown at me because I am strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to take it on.

I can’t wait for SOMEDAY.

 

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Bluesy Tuesday… July 3, 2012

Not a super day….

I had an awful night. I couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep I was woken up by nightmares, often crying.

I hate that, it’s bad enough to have a bad sleep, but to wake up crying is the worst. I just think I am still trying to wrap my head around a million things. I can’t do it during the day as I am too busy to think about a pee break, let alone, how the hell I am going to deal with all this.

I had to tell my daycare parents about my diagnosis. There were lots of sad faces this morning as children were dropped off for the day. Everyone wanted a hug, I just couldn’t do it. If I hugged any of them, I would have lost my shit. Not something I want to do in front of the kids (or parents for that matter).

I know everyone wants to support me, everyone wants to let me know it’s going to be ok, and in my heart I know that too, but still there is still the doubt, and fear of the unknown. I don’t know how to accept the support. I’m usually the one giving it, I have a really hard time being on the other side of it. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself. I never want to be perceived as weak. I want the world to see me as a confident, headstrong, rock, not how I really feel which is a quivering pile of gelatinous goo…nice image eh?

I push people away, I redirect focus away from myself. I tell people I don’t need help, that I can do this on my own. In most ways I have to do it on my own, no one can do it for me, but by the same token, if I could just LET PEOPLE IN, I know I wouldn’t feel the same burden.

Ugh, I really don’t know how to do it. I wish I did, and I’m trying, but failing miserably. I know it, the people closest to me know it, I just don’t know how to reach out and say ‘Sure, I need help, I need support, I feel like I am falling into oblivion and I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out’. After doing things my way for 35 years, how do I change my thinking and my actions? How do I raise Paisley to be able to accept help but still remain strong and independent if  I can’t role model that for her?

So my goal this week is to be open to accepting help, it will be to answer the question “How are you?” honestly. If I am having a crap day then I’ll let people know, if I’m ok, I’ll answer that too. We’ll see how it goes, I have 35 years of walls to break down…that’s a lot of bricks y’all!

 

 
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