Yep, that’s right y’all.
Uterine cancer to be precise. Uterine-Fucking-Cancer.
I’m 35, and I have cancer. I can barely type the words let alone wrap my head around the ramifications that singular word has.
When I saw the doctor today, I was not expecting him to say anything other than fibroids, and hey ‘we have a treatment for that’, instead I got ‘you have blah blah blah stage one uterine cancer. Your treatment is to have a hysterectomy and we are also removing your ovaries blah blah blah’ I felt like Peppermint Patty listening to the teacher in Charlie Brown.
So yeah. Cancer has once again invaded my family, and now, my life.
How the hell did this happen? How the hell am I going to deal with this shit? I feel like my body has betrayed me. I feel like I have this horrible thing happening to me and there is not a bloody fucking thing I can do about it. All I can do it sit and wait for a surgery date, while it grows. Waiting.
I’m not very good at waiting, I’m not good at things that I can’t control. I’m not good at putting my feelings and thoughts into other people’s hands. I’m not good at letting other people in. I’m just not good at any of it.
I’m a ‘doer’ I get stuff done. I find solutions, I figure things out. I dissect and analyse. I don’t dive into things head first. I have control issues. I make lists, I get answers. I research, I don’t get emotional. Today, I am emotional, I can’t fix a thing. I can read, but my head hurts from all the reading. The answers are good, the news is encouraging, but still nagging in the back of my head is the other statistics, the not so good ones. I have a million decisions to make, but I don’t know where to begin.
I have a child, I have a business, I just don’t have time for cancer. I don’t have time to feel shitty all the time, I already am perpetually tired, doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I never feel rested enough. I don’t have time to take 8 weeks off to recover from surgery. Hopefully that’s all it will be, hopefully no chemo or radiation. If it comes down to that I will have to close the daycare.
I’m so scared. My daughter needs her mummy. I need her.
Cancer is my Bitch, I am going to Own this, and destroy it. There are no other options!
Cancer Is My Bitch July 2, 2012
The Walk Before The Run April 25, 2012
We all have to start somewhere right? We aren’t born doing all the amazing things we can do as adults. We have to learn to feed ourselves, to talk and walk. We learn empathy, how to appropriately express our feelings of happiness, anger, joy and sorrow.
We don’t know anything, and everything is a learning process. This continues our whole lives, through school, through relationships, through jobs, and through our surroundings.
I have thought a lot about what I am learning about myself lately. I’ve taken time to examine who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. Figuring out how I am going to get there, and what I need to do to reach the finish line.
My life wasn’t easy growing up, it wasn’t horrible by any stretch, but it wasn’t easy. I always felt that I had to live up to my parents standards, even when I tried my hardest, I still failed in their eyes. They loved me fiercely, and still do. I’m blessed to have them both as a huge part of my life. I still find myself reaching to meet their expectations, but I allow myself to fail now. I’m ok with it, even if they aren’t.
I spent a lot of my teenage years in turmoil, bouts with depression, relationships that weren’t good for me, drinking, drugs, doing stupid things just to make my pain stop. Of course none of it worked. I still managed to keep up a good average at school, and got into college with no problem. I was taking law, but dropped out after a semester. It just wasn’t me. I was bound by all these rules, I’m not much for conformity.
After dropping out, I volunteered, I travelled a bit, I needed to find out who I was, what I needed to do with my life. I needed to slow down, and look at my life. I had always done what others wanted me to do, and pushed down what I wanted for myself.
After a year of no school, I re-applied and was accepted into the Early Childhood Education programme, where I finally felt at home. I was in my element. I could get down and dirty with a bunch of two-year olds and go home at night, happy. I’ve never had a super paycheck, BUT I get a lot more out of my job.
I had to try one thing in college first before settling on what I really loved and needed for my life.
I find myself in a situation now, where my life is up in the air, Shaughn is still in school, rarely home, I’m a mummy who does it all. I’m learning the ropes still, 8 months later. It’s painfully slow, and some days I don’t know if I can do it. I just think I have it figured out, and wham, something stops me in my tracks, and I have to start over again.
One day I’ll run again, one day this will figure itself out, and I will find my footing.
My Adventure Ended…. April 12, 2012
I was unbelievably excited to see my Paisley. God I missed her. 5 days away was long enough. I missed my girl, her drama, her early waking, her laugh, her excitement, I missed it all. I was so happy when I went in to kiss her at 2 am, she woke up briefly, and smiled, and said “Mummy, I missed you”…melted my heart.
I was excited to see Shaughn, but truthfully, we still haven’t seen each other. We have not connected, I haven’t really told him anything about my trip. He has seen a few pics on Instagram, but really that’s about it. I hate this.
My life seems to have just continued exactly where I left off, I got home, got things ready for work, slept for 4 hours, woke up and had the kids that morning. Nothing has changed. It’s still the same life.
When I left, I was going for a break, which I did get. I spent time doing things I love, I was in the outdoors pretty much everyday, I was able to explore a new city, and be with a wonderful friend. I was able to remember who I was, and where I came from; before I was Mummy, before 5 kids called for me every minute of my 10 hour work day. I was able to laugh, and cry and talk…and talk….and talk. I was able to have real conversations, that weren’t filled with interruptions, or explanations.
I enjoyed doing new things, and hearing new stories about things and places I had never been or seen. It was wonderful to be away.
On Monday, I woke with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I knew my time away was over. I had to go back. Real life was calling my name. I packed and got ready for my trip to Milwaukee. Thankfully it was a 3 hour drive, still time to talk, and laugh. As soon as Miller Park (where the Brewers play) came into view, my stomach dropped. It was really ending. I was going to have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. HATE THEM. There was a pretty big line at the train station and we were able to talk a bit more before I boarded.
And then I had to go. My adventure was over. I had to say Good Bye to Elliot, see you in July.
It was a very uneventful ride to Chicago, I snuggled with Paisley’s cow, and just stared out the window. A million things drifted through my head as I watched the world pass out my window.
I finally arrived home to London at 2 am. It was a long trip, I was exhausted. I was looking for my bed before I stepped a foot inside the door.
So, now I wait till July. Elliot will be here for my vacation, and I will show him London, we will be hitting our Pride festival, checking out Toronto and Niagara Falls, campfires, and fun. I can’t wait. Another break. Hopefully by then Shaughn will be more settled in a job, and my life will resemble something of that of a year ago, and not my current crazy.
Tired. April 3, 2012
My life has been upside down for 7 months, and I’m not sure when the ‘crazy’ will end. I don’t know how much more I have to give. I feel like I am floundering, and failing at pretty much everything.
Let me preface this by saying, I’m not looking for solutions, advice, or pity. I am just a struggling Mama, and I’m doing the best I can with the skills and resources that I have.
Any of my regular readers know that my partner Shaughn has been in school since September, he went back to school to become a personal support worker, his hopes are to gain employment working in palliative care. He is currently also working full-time. Herein lies the problem.
My daughter Paisley is having an even harder time than I am. She is teary, upset, and angry, She doesn’t understand. She sees Shaughn for a grand total of 1 hour in the morning. During that hour it is showers, dressed, breakfast, I can’t help her, she misses her Daddy. She is taking her hurt out on me.
I see Shaughn for about the same amount of time. I might see him for a few minutes at night, but after a 15 hour day he and I are both done. We talk about the bills, the laundry, and the next days agenda. then goodnight.
I feel like I am failing as a mother, partner, daughter, caregiver. I am angry, I am tired. I am so tired. I feel like I am being pulled in 6 different directions, and I can’t find my footing. I have tried for so long, but it just isn’t happening.
I am heading out-of-town for a few days, hopefully some R&R. I need to regroup and refocus. I am excited that Shaughn and P will get some much-needed bonding time. I am sad that I will miss Easter, and my family, but I think I need to look after myself now. I need a change of scenery, I need to escape my 4 walls and just be Christa for a few days.
I know some people have expressed that I am being selfish, I should be with my child and family, and to these people I say ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’. Spend an entire day doing what I do, then tell me you can do it for 8 months, day in and out, without a break. I can tell you now, there are not too many people who can.
So, yes, I am being selfish. I am ok with it. I need it.
So, hopefully after this mini holiday, I will be in a better place to start my blogging regularly again. I will find the motivation to take a few minutes every few days for myself to write.
See y’all on the flip side yo!
Absence, And Coming Back. February 10, 2012
I was on a bit of a blogging hiatus, I’m not sure why. I think sometimes life is just so overwhelming that I cannot think about much more than getting through my day, and counting the hours until I can go to sleep. Given the fact that my life is so hectic, when I sleep, I sleep well, deep, and un-dreaming. It’s that total state of absence. I don’t hear Shaughn come to bed, I don’t remember tossing or turning; often times, I wake the same way I fell asleep.
I miss blogging. It is a great outlet for me, a way for me to organise my thoughts, and to remember things.
Shaughn is also absent from our lives a lot these days, he will leave for work around 8:45 on a good day, and I won’t see him until 10 that night. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t impacting our marriage. I miss my partner, my love, my person. Often when he gets home he is beyond exhausted, and certainly not in the head space for meaningful conversations, or talk of bill payments and laundry. Most nights I go to bed alone while he works on homework for the next night. I have learned to cherish our short weekends, our family time.
I have had to let a lot go these last few months, I am not nearly as concerned with my windows and floors, laundry is always at the bottom of my list…My main priority has been Paisley, trying to be a great Mummy while balancing the rest of my life. I’m doing ok with it, granted there are days when I’m not going to win Mother of The Year, but there are others when she just looks up at me and says ‘I love you Mummy’ that I know I’m not doing too bad of job.
I know my absence has been felt within my circle of friends, with them checking in occasionally to make sure I’m still treading water. I feel isolated much of the time, with my only connection to the outside world being the radio and text messages I share during the day. It’s not all doom and gloom, my brother (read: Saint) picks me up every Tuesday to take Paisley out for dinner while I grocery shop for the week. Weekends I usually get out for a bit, thankfully otherwise I might just lose my mind entirely.
I’m going to try to be less absent from this blog, I feel like I need to get my words on paper, to focus my thoughts, and to be more introspective. So, please forgive me if I am not posting regularly, forgive me for my absence, and if another hiatus is looming in my future, please pre-forgive that one too.
Banning Children From Upscale Dining – Hells Yes! July 18, 2011
My husband and I have been discussing this topic at length since it was brought up a week or so ago.
We are the parents of a 3-year-old, an incredibly well-behaved 3-year-old that we would take anywhere.
That being said, we would not take her to a fine dining establishment, and we would support a ban on children in one.
I agree that we as parents need to teach our children proper etiquette and manners, but the point is MANY PARENTS DON’T! And why should the patrons in a restaurant suffer because of lack of parenting?
My husband and I were celebrating a milestone, at a very upscale restaurant, and for the whole meal we were so fortunate enough to listen to a 4-year-old screaming because they didn’t serve Mac and Cheese, his younger sister running around the restaurant and yelling. When we asked the server about having the family asked to look after their children he replied that they had been, but that they were also paying customers.
In today’s day and age, where parents spend less time parenting and teaching and more time friending and hanging with their children, it is harder and harder to go any restaurant without dealing with this. I sure as heck don’t want to pay $150 for a meal that I have to listen to the above happen.
That being said, I have no issue with children in restaurants if it is a family restaurant. I’m not talking McDonald’s, and other fast food places, I’m referring to places like Kelsey’s, or East Side Mario’s, where they actually have a children’s menu, and crayons for children. When I go to a place like that, I expect children, and am not upset when they become upset. It happens.
With so many places to eat, I wonder why parents take their small children to upscale dining establishments.
I know occasionally for many parent’s, myself included, that childcare can be an issue, especially when in another city visiting. On these occasions we just haven’t gone, we are upfront and honest with the people who invited us, that we don’t think it’s appropriate for our daughter to attend this function as she is only 3. That we wouldn’t want her to disrupt any of the other patrons. Simple.
I applaud restaurants for setting age limits, if they don’t, and ask families to leave because of unruly children, they are automatically the ‘bad guy’, not the family with the children. By setting an age limit, there are no bad guys, children just aren’t allowed. If parents don’t like it, then don’t frequent that restaurant on Date Night. It’s simple.
Just my two cents.
What Do You Think?
Motivation, or Lack Thereof May 25, 2011
I have been suffering from a general lack of motivation.
I am tired. Tired of my job, my house (which seems like it is in constant disrepair), my lack of money, being Super Mummy, and generally feeling like I am always ‘ON’.
I have found of late, my down time seems to be filled with constant thoughts of what is next, how to go about it, and wondering when I’ll have the time or energy to do it. My dreams have been weird lately too. Old jobs, high school and college…weird.
This never-ending lethargy is contributing to my feeling of being less driven to do anything. I love my job, I always have. Children are what makes my world go round. Yet, in the last month I have been dreading waking up in the morning. I loathe seeing cars in my driveway at 7:15, knowing that I have 10.5 hours of work ahead of me.
My days seem to drag on, I’m sure part of it has to do with our ‘spectacular’ spring weather. I’m sure the farmers will be happy with all of the rain, but for the rest of us….not so much. I also have two broken fingers right now, this has been limiting in what I can and can’t do. I had been so excited that I had dug out 4 gardens 2 weeks ago, I planted some lovely bulbs. Now it’s time to plant my front garden, and I have a splinted hand, and a partner who is FAR less enthusiastic about flowers than I am.
We had a long weekend this past weekend, and it really kinda sucked. Sick hubby, cranky kiddo, bitchy me.
Oh well, this is a pissy entry. Sorry. I’ll do better next time.