Just Need To Sleep July 15, 2012

RAIN : The ground in dreams generally links to the facts and reality of your life. The sky generally symbolises the future and anticipation of change. Rain tends to link to things that are unsettling you.
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I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately. Not really surprising given the current state of my life.

My sleep has been littered with crazy dreams, waking crying, or with my heart about to beat out of my chest. I am often too afraid to fall back to sleep, as I don’t want to have another nightmare, or deal with whatever is lurking in the recesses of my mind.

It’s amazing how our brains process our waking life. I’ve tried my hardest to remember my dreams, I’m usually not very good at it. I think my brain isn’t letting me remember, to insulate me from my own brand of crazy.

There are some very specific things that I do remember, and they are often reoccurring.

Rain is a big one, dark skies, with rain just pouring down on me. I know I feel cold and wet and scared. I don’t remember if there is thunder or lightening. I don’t think there is though, I would remember that. I know that when I wake up from the rain dreams, I feel very unsettled. I am scared and usually upset. This is all interesting as most of the dream interpretations I’ve read have said that rain is a good thing. It symbolises renewal and fertility (HAHAHAHA – Fertility, for the Cancer Girl about to get rid of all her girly bits!!!) The interpretation in my picture seems to fit well.

If I look at the ground in my dreams, it is wet. I am usually barefoot in a deep puddle up to my ankles. But I must have expected it because my jeans are folded up. Everything is muddy, I’m not in the grass, or even really near any. I’m not necessarily in a city either, I don’t/can’t recall any concrete, just a big mud puddle.

So If I use the above interpretation for the ground part of my dream, I guess I feel mired down in the mud. Between the Cancer and Separation, I can’t seem to get out. I feel stuck, unable to make a move in any direction. I need someone to come and help me because I just can’t get out on my own…Which is FREAKING crazy…says Ms. Independent Can Do It On My Own-I Don’t Need Anyone To Save Me…yeah….maybe I do need some help?

Ok, so onto the skies in my dreams, which symbolise the future and anticipation of change…Well things aren’t looking too hot in that department either.

The sky is generally dark, lots of angry clouds, sometimes I know they are swirling around, other times, they are just big dark grey clouds. I don’t recall any wind. So again using the above interpretation, I would have to say that I am angry, scared, and feel like shit about my future and the changes that are happening. I’m wondering if when the clouds are swirly I’m digesting the movement of things forward? Shaughn moving out, the Oncology appointment? And on the days where the clouds are just dark and foreboding, if I am feeling stagnant?  They are just there raining down on me?

So, the rain tends to link the things that are unsettling to you. Well that is crap. It’s all rather unsettling don’t you think????

I am going to try to remember more dreams, I am going to do some research on how to remember them. The rain is the one steady one, I must have it two or three times a week.

Have a great Sunday….Cancer Girl, Out!

Singleton Guilt. February 12, 2012

The One And Only One

I often (too often) am asked about when we are going to give Paisley a sibling. I am asked by family, friends, strangers, other mothers at the park, teachers, cousins, and just plain everyone. I’m sure that everyone who asks is well meaning, but as far as I am concerned, they are far too nosey.

Remarks like ‘So, she’s four, when are you having another?’ or ‘Wow, you had better hurry up or you’ll have one in diapers and one in college’ are not helpful, rather, they feed into my guilt for choosing to have just one child.

In todays society the number of singleton children is increasingly growing 43% of Canadian families have only one child (according to the last census), that is a lot of  children without siblings. So why am I constantly questioned about our decision?

Most people have arguments about why having an only child is a bad decision:

-They will be lonely

-They won’t learn to share

-They won’t have good problem solving skills

-They will have trouble making friends

-They will have trouble with conflict resolution

-When we die, they won’t have anyone to lean on

And the list goes on and on. What many people don’t realise is that all of these reasons are not valid. Many children with siblings have the same issues, it has nothing to do with having or not having siblings, but in how the children are raised.

Our decision to have one child was not one we made lightly. After four years of infertility, and a year of treatment for it, we were spent; emotionally, physically and financially. When we recovered and had the discussion as to whether or not we even wanted to entertain the thought of another, it was pretty clear to both of us that no, we were happy with our one, and that having another would not make our family any better, happier or fuller.

By having  just one, we feel we are able to offer her more than if we had two or three . She generally has our undivided attention, there is no arguing over who’s turn it is to do anything, it’s always Paisley’s turn (unfortunately for her that also means it’s always her turn to set the table and tidy shoes). By having one child, financially we will be able to provide for her much more than by having siblings. Only one university tuition, one prom, one wedding (hopefully). We are able to spend more time with her on school work, sports, reading, and tea parties.

With all of this being said, all of it, I will admit that sometimes I do feel guilty for our choice. I question our motives, are we being selfish? I wonder if she will be lonely, will she have trouble, what if she doesn’t end up making a strong connection with someone who will help her through the hard stuff, but again, it’s a lot of what if’s.

I watch her now, at almost 4 (eep!), and I see that she has friends, she can share, argue, and problem solve with the best of them. I also see a child who is confident, is beyond her peers educationally, is a great communicator. I see a child who is empathetic, who is caring, and watches and explores the world around her not caring that she is alone doing it. I see a child who when she needs some extra love and attention doesn’t need to wait, or fight for it.

I think it is wonderful that many families have more than one child, I think that it also has many fantastic things to bring to the table. I am happy that there are people out there who have lots of children, I am just not one of them, and I’m ok with that. I just wish everyone else was too.