September 1, 2012. I have known this day would come, I knew it was going to be tough, I just didn’t expect it to be this tough.
Shaughn is moving out, his belongings have been packed in countless boxes, far outnumbering the years we’ve spent together, but somehow there seems like there should be more. 12 years, organised, taped and labelled, ready for his new apartment.
As much as I want this, and need this, it’s killing me.
Tonight will be the first night I have lived alone, just me and Paisley. No parents, roommates, or him. The first time I won’t be waiting for him to come to bed, or be home after a weekend with his friends. Tonight we start separate lives, only connected by a little girl, who is the best part of both of us.
I don’t regret this decision, not at all, I don’t want him, or us, but I’m scared to do it alone. I have never been alone.
I’ve always had someone when I was having a tough day to give me a hug and a pep talk. There’s always been someone there to talk about things with, to help me brainstorm and run ideas by. There’s always been someone to tell me to ‘suck it up, and deal with it’. And now it’s just me.
My heart is breaking, for all these lost years, for all of the good times we’ve shared, the love that once was, the joys and the times of celebration.
Unfortunately those memories can’t keep me happy, they will just be memories of better times. I can’t live in the past, I need my present and future to make me happy, and excited. What could’ve been will just hold me down.
So now I begin a new chapter in my life, one where I begin to find myself again, one filled with uncertainty and doubt, but a chapter also filled with possibility and hope.
Today is a sad day, today I will cry, I will be angry, and feel my world crumbling down; tomorrow I will wake up, face my world, and pray that I can do this, with grace and a smile.
Tomorrow is the first day of my life.