Waiting For Autumn September 4, 2011

As a new season is upon us, I can't help but be happy for the change.

As most of you know, I’ve kind of had a shitty summer. Work has been less than satisfying, my vacation was challenging, and to top everything off the news of Paisley’s MHO.

So, now I’m waiting for Autumn. I am waiting for crisp mornings, where you can breathe in the cool air. I am waiting to see the children walk down the road with their new backpacks, and sneakers. I am waiting for the smog of Southern Ontario to clear, and the gorgeous sunny days to come out. I can’t wait to see pots of fall mums, and to go apple picking in the orchard.

I am looking forward to the leaves changing, and eventually falling off. I can’t wait to see Pais jumping in the mountainous piles that the 7 trees in our yard make! She had so much fun doing that last year.

With the autumn comes death, the leaves die, the grass becomes dormant, as the earth rotates on its axis and our days become shorter and our nights longer. I get up in the dark, and finish work in the dark. The days are challenging, but there is nothing better than snuggling in on a cool night.

I am ready to leave this summer behind. I am ready for a new beginning, even if that beginning is really an end. I need some new perspective.

This autumn will bring my family many new challenges, Shaughn is starting school again, we have welcomed a girl from China into our home as she studies English, I have a new daycare child starting after saying goodbye to another. I will essentially be a single Mum five nights a week, and truthfully – I’m scared shitless. But again, I look forward to a change of pace and a change of scenery.

I am determined to be more organised, I have menu plans ready to go, cleaning schedules in the making. I have childcare arranged for when I need it, and my gym schedule is set. I feel pretty good about the changes I have made, and I don’t know that I could be more ready for what is about to happen, but as we all know, we can’t predict the future and I’m sure I will encounter some craziness.

So as autumn creeps up on me, I again look forward to what is to come, I am going to embrace the crazy, cherish each day with my girl, be open to the inevitable changes upon me, and above all be thankful for my beautiful life.

Life Update – Regaining My Sanity July 16, 2011

I'm not THIS peaceful yet...but I'll get there

It’s been a few challenging months for me. But I am starting to feel better, I am starting to look forward, and I am starting to be more hopeful.

I’ve discovered the small changes I have been making have seemed to make all the difference in my work life, my home life, and in my own mental well-being.

The biggest thing, and I wish I wasn’t serious, but believe me its soooo true….I have been referring to the daycare kids as ‘Love’ or ‘Lovey” like a pet name. It has helped to remind me that even if I am at my WITS end with this child, that they deserve my love, and even if at that moment I don’t like them, deep down (and sometimes it’s REALLY deep down) I do love each and every one of them.

I have also decided to shelf all of my worry for the autumn. I have decided to enjoy our short summer, and not worry about what September will bring.  I can’t change things, I can’t worry about the unknown, if I continue to, I will make myself certifiable. I know that eventually things will work out, they have to. I don’t have a choice but to be a Mum, I don’t have the choice as to work or not, to go to the gym, swimming lessons, gymnastics, karate…I have to keep doing what I do, just as a single Mummy. I know how much I am going to miss our family time, but that will just make me treasure our weekends and time together more. S is doing this to better himself, and ultimately our family. I am so proud of him.

I have continued to faithfully go to the gym, and I love it! When I don’t work out, I feel like ass. When I do, I feel like a million dollars! I have ramped up my gym days to five a week. When I get home after my holidays, I will be adding weight training into my schedule. The end result is to keep my sanity in check, and to continue to work towards a healthier me.

So, for now, life is moseying along. I am happier at work, at home, and play. We are looking forward to some time away to visit our relatives out west, and are practically counting the hours. Miss P can’t wait for the airplane, and to swim in the lake, I can’t wait to sit on the dock with my Kindle and read from morning till night (of course with the occasional swim and sauna thrown in for good measure).

I will continue on this adventure, because it is Mi Adventure.

XO

Mi New Outlook, Mi New Adventure, Mi Life Is A-Changin’ July 3, 2011

'Werk It Gurl'

I am feeling a little out of control these days as evidenced by my lack of posting, and my previous post, in which I believe I used the word FUCK several times.

I am still saying a lot of ‘Fucks’, but for different reasons. Shall we start from the beginning?

I used to love my job, I would get up each morning, get dressed, do my hair, even throw on some mascara. I would socialise with my co-workers, talk about TV, gossip about other co-workers, bitch about my husband. I was making decent enough wages, had full benefits, 3 vacation weeks a year, and a boss who appreciated me. That was before I opened my own home childcare after having Miss P.

I have had some serious job dissatisfaction of late. I am tired of unappreciative parents, I am tired of working 10.5 hour days making less than minimum wage per child. I am tired of the vomit, shit, and other bodily fluids I encounter on a daily basis.  Let’s just say on a scale of one to ten, I often feel about a minus fifteen. Overall, the children I work with are lovely. Several of them I have had with me since they were a year old. I have seen many firsts, and enjoyed them. It’s the other crap I hate.

I am stuck in this job for at least two more years, so I have started to examine my life, and make changes for myself, to help me feel better, be a better Mum, and caregiver to the children I work with. I have begun small meditations before bed each night, reminding myself to be patient, kind and loving to everyone in my life. It doesn’t always work, but I feel better. I joined a gym, and have been going religiously for 3 weeks. I go 4 days a week, and mix classes in with machines. I am loving it, it has been a HUGE stress relief and the physical results don’t suck either. I have an amazing workout buddy that I have really begun to value as a friend. She is getting me through the tough shit with humour and her practical “deal with it” attitude. To go with my new-found love of the gym, I have been eating super clean. My body is my temple and I should treat it as such…I’ve always thought of that as a crock of shit, I still do, but belive it or not, I really do feel better.

In amongst all of my ‘life changes’, my husband, who has been doing his own soul-searching has finally decided to go back to school. Yep, the guy with  double major university degree, who spends his days designing and making signs is going back to school. He has chosen to take a Personal Support Worker programme that has been consolidated into 9 months in the evening, allowing him to work full-time in the day.

This is a big FUCK. On one hand, I am so proud, excited, and amazed that he is entering such a noble field, on the other hand, I am scared shitless. How am I going to handle my life, and essentially being a single parent? How am I going to juggle swimming lessons, karate, my gym time, my job, cooking, cleaning, and some semblance of a family life on my own?

S has been MY rock, my “go to” guy. He is the one I bitch to, complain to, yell at, and cry to when I am having another terrible day. In September, I will only see him in the morning for an hour, and then on the weekends. He will leave at 8:45 am, and be home at 11:00pm each night. How am I not going to lose it? How am I going to support the guy who gives me all the support? FUCK!

So, what I have decided for the next two months, is to forget about school, forget about the impending life changes, forget about my crazy job, and I am going to focus on me. I am going to focus on me getting stronger, healthier – both physically and mentally, I am going to focus on being a better wife, and mother. I am worth it, and seeing how much I am giving up in the fall, I think I have the right to be selfish right now.

So, on that note, Fuck, here’s to all the good stuff that’s going to happen this summer.