The Walk Before The Run April 25, 2012

We all have to start somewhere...

We all have to start somewhere right? We aren’t born doing all the amazing things we can do as adults. We have to learn to feed ourselves, to talk and walk. We learn empathy, how to appropriately express our feelings of happiness, anger, joy and sorrow.

We don’t know anything, and everything is a learning process. This continues our whole lives, through school, through relationships, through jobs, and through our surroundings.

I have thought a lot about what I am learning about myself lately. I’ve taken time to examine who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. Figuring out how I am going to get there, and what I need to do to reach the finish line.

My life wasn’t easy growing up, it wasn’t horrible by any stretch, but it wasn’t easy. I always felt that I had to live up to my parents standards, even when I tried my hardest, I still failed in their eyes. They loved me fiercely, and still do. I’m blessed to have them both as a huge part of my life. I still find myself reaching to meet their expectations, but I allow myself to fail now. I’m ok with it, even if they aren’t.

I spent a lot of my teenage years in turmoil, bouts with depression, relationships that weren’t good for me, drinking, drugs, doing stupid things just to make my pain stop. Of course none of it worked. I still managed to keep up a good average at school, and got into college with no problem. I was taking law, but dropped out after a semester. It just wasn’t me. I was bound by all these rules, I’m not much for conformity.

After dropping out, I volunteered, I travelled a bit, I needed to find out who I was, what I needed to do with my life. I needed to slow down, and look at my life. I had always done what others wanted me to do, and pushed down what I wanted for myself.

After a year of no school, I re-applied and was accepted into the Early Childhood Education programme, where I finally felt at home. I was in my element. I could get down and dirty with a bunch of two-year olds and go home at night, happy. I’ve never had a super paycheck, BUT I get a lot more out of my job.

I had to try one thing in college first before settling on what I really loved and needed for my life.

I find myself in a situation now, where my life is up in the air, Shaughn is still in school, rarely home, I’m a mummy who does it all. I’m learning the ropes still, 8 months later. It’s painfully slow, and some days I don’t know if I can do it. I just think I have it figured out, and wham, something stops me in my tracks, and I have to start over again.

One day I’ll run again, one day this will figure itself out, and I will find my footing.

Connection February 24, 2012

If we take the time, we will all find that there is one thing that connects us all; Humanity..

“I’m not that girl” she said, “I don’t call two people, not even one person to ask for help, it’s just not who I am.”

This was part of a conversation I had last night. A total stranger, going through some really tough times, reaching out.

Why are we so afraid to ask for help and support? Does it make us look weak? Are we worried about what others must think? Are we afraid that the other person will say no?

These are all valid and genuine fears, lord knows I have felt them several times. My concern is that we feel fear at all when we are reaching out. What has society done to us, that when we are at out most vulnerable we shy away from others, worried about their reaction, and not being worried about what will happen if we don’t seek support.

What gives any of us the right to judge another? Who gave us that upper-hand so that we may decide if we are better than someone else? Is that feeling  justified or is it just in our heads?

I know I have certainly been on both ends as the judge and the judged. Neither is a nice place to be in. Initially, that judge position makes me feel superior; like I have the answers, like others she respect me. Afterwards, I feel like a heel. I’m not better, I sure as shit don’t have any fancy papers that say I am qualified to judge, and respect goes out the window the minute I chose to judge. As the judged, I feel small, sad, angry. I feel as if I am unable to do things on my own, mainly I feel fear.

I think we all need to take a step back, we all need to remind ourselves that we are all human, not one of us is better, not one of us is perfect. People we put in places of respect and honour make mistakes. They have affairs, they cheat on their taxes, they have mental illnesses, they are addicts and alcoholics, they are normal people too, with the same problems that we have. They just have different jobs.

This post is supposed to be connecting, the one thing that connects us, each one of us; is our humanity. From sinner to saint to everyone in between, we are all connected by the fact that we are human, we share the same dreams, aspirations, hopes, and love.  We are all different, yet, so much of us is the same, why do we treat each other so differently?

Do yourself a favour today, take a step out of that judge and jury box, keep an open and clear mind, do something small to make someone else’s life a little better. It doesn’t take much, a cup of coffee, a phone call, a meal for a homeless person. Take time to listen today, not just to others, but to your internal dialogue, what are you saying? Would your thoughts be harmful and hurtful or would they be trying to see the good in everyone?

Take a minute to connect with someone today, take a minute to listen, to smile, and to appreciate what it is that makes us all human.

Absence, And Coming Back. February 10, 2012

it's been awhile...

I was on a bit of a blogging hiatus, I’m not sure why. I think sometimes life is just so overwhelming that I cannot think about much more than getting through my day, and counting the hours until I can go to sleep. Given the fact that my life is so hectic, when I sleep, I sleep well, deep, and un-dreaming. It’s that total state of absence. I don’t hear Shaughn come to bed, I don’t remember tossing or turning; often times, I wake the same way I fell asleep.

I miss blogging. It is a great outlet for me,  a way for me to organise my thoughts, and to remember things.

Shaughn is also absent from our lives a lot these days, he will leave for work around 8:45 on a good day, and I won’t see him until 10 that night. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t impacting our marriage. I miss my partner, my love, my person. Often when he gets home he is beyond exhausted, and certainly not in the head space for meaningful conversations, or talk of bill payments and laundry. Most nights I go to bed alone while he works on homework for the next night. I have learned to cherish our short weekends, our family time.

I have had to let a lot go these last few months, I am not nearly as concerned with my windows and floors, laundry is always at the bottom of my list…My main priority has been Paisley, trying to be a great Mummy while balancing the rest of my life. I’m doing ok with it, granted there are days when I’m not going to win Mother of The Year, but there are others when she just looks up at me and says ‘I love you Mummy’ that I know I’m not doing too bad of job.

I know my absence has been felt within my circle of friends, with them checking in occasionally to make sure I’m still treading water. I feel isolated much of the time, with my only connection to the outside world being the radio and text messages I share during the day. It’s not all doom and gloom, my brother (read: Saint) picks me up every Tuesday to take Paisley out for dinner while I grocery shop for the week. Weekends I usually get out for a bit, thankfully otherwise I might just lose my mind entirely.

I’m going to try to be less absent from this blog, I feel like I need to get my words on paper, to focus my thoughts, and to be more introspective. So, please forgive me if I am not posting regularly, forgive me for my absence, and if another hiatus is looming in my future, please pre-forgive that one too.

Cooking 101 September 5, 2011

Yep, that's how we roll....

As you read recently, part of my new life include being organised enough to PLAN and PREPARE dinners.

For starters, I love to cook. I really enjoy it, what I don’t enjoy is following recipes, so much so, that I have a beautiful recipe box that is nearly empty. I love to experiment in the kitchen, add a bit of this and that. I usually come out with winners, but I will admit, I’ve had a few failures!

The last few years, we have been coasting when it has come to food. We have eaten out far too much, and the meals I have prepared, have generally been quicker and convenient rather than healthy.

So, I enrolled with a menu planning site called Relish, www.relish.com, which I found on The Bloggess’ blog,  http://thebloggess.com/ (incidentally, she has a promo code for 20% off!) (I also happen to LOVE her blog, you should read it too!).

Now, you might think to yourself, ‘WTF? Can she not pick up a cookbook and write the recipe out, and make up her own shopping list?’ Well, the short answer is, Yes, yes I can. The longer answer is, No. I will not take the time or energy required to do it. I am LAZY!  That cute 1950’s Mom, with the incredibly well stocked fridge, that is super neat and tidy – I am not anywhere close to her.  I am the ‘open the fridge, smell the crisper, close the fridge, open the freezer and grab chicken fingers and frozen veg’ kind of Mum.  Well, I was that kind of Mum. See, I figure if I say it enough, I will just automatically be the perfectly made up, pressed dress, über 1950’s Mom that every kid and husband dream about.

I spent much of my afternoon making three meals, two soups, and tonight’s dinner. Things turned out well. The first soup, a tortellini soup is a little bland, I may need to doctor it up when I take it out of the freezer to eat it, the second soup is AWESOME! It is a lasagna soup, which was totally flavourful, and yummy. The dinner was steak with mushrooms, shallots and gorgonzola cheese, and polenta….which turned out I think. I’m not really sure what polenta is supposed to be like, but mine was kinda like a whipped potato consistency. It was ok. I think it REALLY needs doctoring up.

I don’t know what I am making tomorrow, but I have my choice of 6 dishes, and I have all of the groceries that I need to prepare each one of them. I guess I’ll see what strikes my fancy tomorrow. So wish me luck, I know I will need it, I’m not super Mom, I’m incredibly disorganised Mum. I’m not put together as much as I am thrown together. I don’t try to keep up with the Jones’, because I don’t really care. I’m just going to work my way through this next year one meal, one recipe, one bit of organisation at a time.

Gratitude August 28, 2011

I need to remember to be grateful.

As I sit here by myself, which as anyone who knows me is a rare occurence; I am again reminded that I need to re-focus my thoughts and actions.

I have been quite consumed of late. I have been worried, sad, scared. I have been wrapping my brain around little more than what has been going on within our house. I have been a bad friend, a not so hot wife, and I would not win ‘Mother Of The Year’ based on the last months performance.

I am sure many, many people go through the same thing when they get bad news.  I think it’s natural to turn inward, to want to ignore the rest of the world. Work, friends and family seems too hard to handle, a trip to the park almost like climbing Everest. We do it because we have to. We work to earn money, we cook dinner because the family has to eat, and we go to the park just incase we ARE in the running for Mother Of The Year; but we sure as hell don’t want to.

This is the bubble I have been in for a month. I have been living life by rote. Doing what I need to do, but certainly not living. To be honest, I’m not sure anyone else even noticed. I did what I had to do, what I needed to do. I also avoided the things that I love. My friends took a backseat, I havent been as dedicated to the gym, and my eating hasn’t been nearly as clean as it has been. I was so wrapped up in the future, I forgot to live for today.

I forgot the reason I was going to the gym was to better myself, to set a good example for Paisley. I forgot, that I needed friends, and that right now, I needed them more than ever. I didn’t try to be  a great wife, knowing that Shaughn was feeling much the same, and that he would of course forgive me. I have been so worried about the ‘what if’s’.

A friend, a true friend, and she knows who she is has given me the kick in the ass that I needed. That’s how I know she’s the real deal. She said that she realises that life is not so great right now, but that it’s not a good enough reason to stop the things that are important to me.  Now, when she said it, she wasn’t nearly as nice. She’s pretty blunt, and doesn’t mince words. She calls a stone a stone.

So, after the talk, I began to take stock. I looked at my life from a different angle. I have been focussing on what really matters. The here and now. I need to be grateful for the wonderful life I have. My wonderful family, and friends. I have to rededicate myself to continuing to better myself physically. I have to stop worrying about what may, or may not happen.

I live this beautiful life, with people who care about me, and how I could be so self-absorbed to not notice or care, I don’t know. I’m ashamed to be honest.

So now, I am hopefully back. I feel back. I feel better, and whole. I have accepted that there will be bumps in the road, but I will have to deal with them as they come, I can’t live waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Today, I am grateful for life; mine, their’s, and yours.

Life Update – Regaining My Sanity July 16, 2011

I'm not THIS peaceful yet...but I'll get there

It’s been a few challenging months for me. But I am starting to feel better, I am starting to look forward, and I am starting to be more hopeful.

I’ve discovered the small changes I have been making have seemed to make all the difference in my work life, my home life, and in my own mental well-being.

The biggest thing, and I wish I wasn’t serious, but believe me its soooo true….I have been referring to the daycare kids as ‘Love’ or ‘Lovey” like a pet name. It has helped to remind me that even if I am at my WITS end with this child, that they deserve my love, and even if at that moment I don’t like them, deep down (and sometimes it’s REALLY deep down) I do love each and every one of them.

I have also decided to shelf all of my worry for the autumn. I have decided to enjoy our short summer, and not worry about what September will bring.  I can’t change things, I can’t worry about the unknown, if I continue to, I will make myself certifiable. I know that eventually things will work out, they have to. I don’t have a choice but to be a Mum, I don’t have the choice as to work or not, to go to the gym, swimming lessons, gymnastics, karate…I have to keep doing what I do, just as a single Mummy. I know how much I am going to miss our family time, but that will just make me treasure our weekends and time together more. S is doing this to better himself, and ultimately our family. I am so proud of him.

I have continued to faithfully go to the gym, and I love it! When I don’t work out, I feel like ass. When I do, I feel like a million dollars! I have ramped up my gym days to five a week. When I get home after my holidays, I will be adding weight training into my schedule. The end result is to keep my sanity in check, and to continue to work towards a healthier me.

So, for now, life is moseying along. I am happier at work, at home, and play. We are looking forward to some time away to visit our relatives out west, and are practically counting the hours. Miss P can’t wait for the airplane, and to swim in the lake, I can’t wait to sit on the dock with my Kindle and read from morning till night (of course with the occasional swim and sauna thrown in for good measure).

I will continue on this adventure, because it is Mi Adventure.

XO