Mi Life Is An Adventure

Mi crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.

An Update November 30, 2012

Finally Feeling like me again.

I’ve not posted recently, life is back to its normal routine. I work, I sleep, I work, I sleep. I’ve had so many changes in the last 6 months, it’s just now, that I’m learning to live in my new reality.

I guess my health first. I am cancer free. As in none. All Clear. BEST NEWS EVER. I have a visit with my oncologist Monday, not a visit really, but you know…after that I have a 6 month appointment, then one at a year post op. I generally feel fantastic, I’m pretty well healed up, I’m trying to view my horrible incision as a battle scar. I had cancer, I beat it, and I have the war wound to prove it. No more low-rise jeans, bring on the highrise Mom Jeans…fml. Oh well.

My energy is at an all time low. I liken it to the days when I had a 3 week old and the adrenaline of a new babe has worn off and I was up every 2 hours feeding…I’m that kind of tired. My sleep is often interrupted by hot flashes, dreams, and just the inability to sleep. It’s all kinds of suck ass but I know it will improve, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I’ve decided at this point to stop HRT, so I guess I’m willingly putting myself through menopause…kinda sadistic. I’m doing it for good reason though. The women in my family seem to be afflicted with the BCRA1 and BCRA2 genes, the ones directly involved with both breast and ovarian cancer. I don’t have ovaries, but I have BOOOOOBS…two of them in fact. The HRT, although it was a very low dose, can still effect my chances of developing cancer, and if I also have the gene, then I’m even more so putting myself in direct risk of developing breast cancer. I just beat it once, let’s not test the fates shall we? So, no more HRT. I can tell you it is the pits. I can’t imagine hot flashes are awesome at any age, but at 35, I feel ridiculous. Thankfully it’s winter and I can quickly relieve symptoms (which I did at 4:30 this morning by standing outside in my night-shirt until the searing heat radiating off me subsided). I have an appointment scheduled with my GP to be referred to the geneticist to have the testing for the BCRA genes. So, fingers crossed it’s quick to get in, the results come quickly, and that I manage to dodge the bullet. If not it’ll be another surgery to remove the ‘girls’. On the plus side, if that happens, you can damn well bet, when I come out of surgery, I’m going to have fake tits that make a 17-year-old highschool senior jealous!

The second of the big changes has been my separation. This too is going well. We are doing divorce well. Is that even possible? Happily Divorced? Funny but it fits. Things had been a titch rocky, but now for the most part we are doing great. Shaughn is being a fantastic dad, which he always has been, and is better at being a friend to me. He has joined Paisley and I for dinner, and things (although slightly awkward) went well. I hope this can continue.

I like our friendship, I do not want a romantic relationship. I’m happy. Like Super fucking happy. It’s hard being a single mum; Really Really Tough, but I love it. I love the time I get to spend with Pais, I’m much happier, our house if filled with much more laughter, dancing, and joy. God knows I needed more Joy. I am enjoying my time with Pais, we are doing really fun things together that we just didn’t do. There was always someplace to go, or someplace to be. There wasn’t much time for kitchen parties, blaring Taylor Swift and singing into wooden spoons…now there is.

Paisley and I have a new and different relationship. I’m no longer competing with Shaughn for her attention, her world no longer revolves around him being home. That sounds horrible, but really that is how things have felt for the last almost 5 years. If Shaughn was home Paisley was glued to him. In many ways I don’t feel she and I were able to have a good relationship because she was too busy being with him. Nowadays she and I are close. Super close. I love it! She and Shaughn talk daily, and she sees him quite often. But when she’s with me, she’s with me. There are a lot more snuggles, books being read, letters being printed, singing and dancing. There is more My Little Pony play instead of watching, and lots of fun outings. I think we are both loving our new life.

I have a new post starting in my head, so I am going to sign off, I will try to post more now that life has found its new normal. Thank you to everyone for all the amazing words of support and kindness. Thank you for the words of encouragement to start writing again, sometimes I just need that little kick in the pants to get going again.

 

Someday… August 6, 2012

Waiting for my someday….

I’ve been on vacation for the last two weeks, I’ve not blogged, but have been able to spend some time reflecting on what I need and want for my future.

At this point in my life everything is so up in the air, I feel very out of control, and overwhelmed with the changes that are fast approaching. Shaughn is moving in less than a month, my surgery fu for the end of September, we are talking more about Paisley and school, and I am missing friends and family who are far away.

I guess the following is just really my own little pipe dream, and if bits and pieces of it come true than fantastic, until then…I’ll keep waiting for my Someday.

SOMEDAY, I want to have my perfect life. I don’t mean like white picket fences, or lots of money. I just want a partner who loves me and Paisley. I want to be comfortable, I don’t want to have to worry about money or bills, and I want to have enough saved up that I can take a vacation, or go someplace neat on a rainy day. I want Paisley to grow up knowing that even though Shaughn and I couldn’t make it work, that we still love her, and that we will always have her back. I want her to know that she can have a fairy tale ending even though I didn’t.

SOMEDAY, I want to have a job I love and that I feel like I am making a difference in people’s lives. In most respects, I have that now. I do love my job, I love the kids, the chaos, and the joy I feel when I am with them. I generally feel like I am making a difference. But, my hours are long, I live at work, and sometimes I feel under appreciated. I’m not sure what I want to do, a big part of me wants to work with LGBTQ youth, or to work in the school system teaching teachers and staff about the many issues LGBTQ youth face at home, with friends and family, in the community and at school. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if there is a need (I really think there is though), I don’t know what kind of education I would need, or if it is something that I would be satisfied with in the end.

SOMEDAY, I want another child. I want to give a child in the system a forever home. I can’t have any more of my own, and I don’t really want a baby (ugh, I’m sooo not a baby person) but I would love to adopt an older child, someone who needs a family to love them, and to celebrate them.

SOMEDAY, I want to fall head over heels in love. I want to go to bed wrapped up in love, and wake up the same way. I want to be smart about it next time. I want to value myself, and treat myself properly. I have to be ok with being alone first, knowing I can do it on my own, before letting someone new in. I can’t let the fear of being alone cloud my judgment in the future. If I end up alone, I have to be ok with that, but if I find a new partner, I need to make sure that they are the right person for me. I can’t do this again; not to myself or to Paisley. Separating and divorce sucks rocks. The End.

SOMEDAY, I want to be able to look back on my marriage to Shaughn and not feel anger, guilt, or sadness. I want to be able to be open-minded to all the good things that happened despite the breakdown. I want to be able to see all the good things that came out of it, and not just see the bad stuff. I want to be able to share silly stories with Paisley about what her daddy was like, and the crazy things we did when we were young. I want to look back and feel a sense of happiness. It hasn’t all been bad, it’s just hard to see the good some days.

SOMEDAY, I want a cure for cancer, all cancers, not just mine. I don’t want any other families to go through the same shit I am going through, and that my family has gone through in the last 10 years. It’s heartbreaking.

Lastly,

SOMEDAY, I want to wake up and know that everything is ok in my world. I want to smile, and embrace my life. I want to feel happy, I want to feel safe; and I want to feel that I can take on any challenge thrown at me because I am strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to take it on.

I can’t wait for SOMEDAY.

 

 

What’s Good, and What’s Not Broken July 12, 2012

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And now I have to focus on what’s good, not what is broken.

So I’ve kept rather quiet about all of this for over a month, I’m not sure why. Maybe I was trying to protect myself, maybe I didn’t want it to seem like my whole world is caving in. I don’t want to be seen as a failure…so many different things I guess.

My 9 year marriage is ending. Suck Ass. It’s been a long time coming, it’s just the time is now. Not perfect timing, but the cancer stuff happened after the decision to end things.

Shaughn and I are two very different  people. For the last few years, we have drifted further and further apart, this last year with him at school has just exacerbated many of the issues that have always been there.

We are still friends, and I hope that we can always remain friends. This marriage took two people to make, and it’s taken two people to break it. We are ending things now so that we can still be friends, so we can leave not angry or too hurt.

We are both committed to being the best parents to our lovely Paisley that we can be, and to do that, we need to be committed to being friends, to communicating, and to still remaining as much of a family as we can be.

So now I’m looking at being a single Mum with Cancer…FML.

Really though, as much as all of this hurts, I’m excited about my future again, I’m looking forward to finding who I am, who I’ve lost over the last 12 years. I think a part of me has been hidden away. I did that because I thought that I would never find someone who loved me, I put my own feelings aside because I was in love. I chose to alter myself, my needs and wants to stay in this relationship because I was too afraid to do it on my own. This was unfair to myself, but equally as unfair to Shaughn. This last year has taught me that I CAN do it on my own, and that I know I can do a good job of it.

While I am excited, a part of me is scared. Pais is not going to do well initially, I know that, and I am going to be the one who will have to pick up most of the pieces of her crumbling world. I’m scared that I won’t have time to do it all. Shaughn has always done certain things; taken out the trash, cleaned the cat litter, he sets the dishwasher and unloads it everyday, he looks after the yard work. I wonder when exactly I’m going to get it all done. on top of being a Mum, having a full-time job, doing my volunteer work, and having a minute social life. He even makes my coffee for me every morning…now after a few trials and errors, I have figured that out, and when I say errors, ooh man I mean errors!!!!!

So yeah, the ride gets bumpier and has some crazy twists, but I’m doing ok. I am going to be great. We are going to be awesome parents to our girl. We are determined. This is totally sad and sucky, but it’s going to be ok. We all deserve to be happy, Paisley, Shaughn and I, it’s just unfortunate we can’t all be happy together.

Live and Learn my friends, Live and Learn.

 

I Quit Valentine’s Day February 14, 2012

Ok, not really, but maybe a little bit....

My best memory day of Valentine’s Day is not one I share with my husband. It is not one I really care to remember. But alas, it is the one that I will forever base all other V-Day’s on. It was quintessentially perfect, from the minute I woke up to the second I drifted off into Neverland for the night.

Did I mention it wasn’t with my husband. Therein lies the problem.

I had been dating this lad, and yes, I will call him a lad because not only were we youngish in our late teens and early twenties, but really, he was a child (which is why I am married to Shaughn not him).

V-Day was on a Saturday that year, he promptly arrived at my parents place at 10am, told me to pack a bag, he would wait. I quickly gathered all I could and threw it into my overnighter and we were off. We didn’t actually have far to go. Just a couple of hours down the road. We had a lovely lunch in a diner, then off to a matinée stage show. We checked into an amazing B&B for the night, and ate dinner in bed in front of a fire. It was perfect.

Fast forward to every other many I’ve dated. No one can compete with that shit. Not one of them came close. Shaughn has half heartedly tried, but V-Day just isn’t his thing. Romance just isn’t his thing (he has many other awesome traits to make up for it though). So year after year I am disappointed. I don’t know what I expect, but nothing measures up, or can come close. So rather than being continually disappointed, I quit Valentine’s Day. Yep, I quit it.

I will do the V-Day thing for the kiddo, the party for daycare, make a big fuss for them, but for me personally…not a chance. I figure this is a defense mechanism , if I quit it, I can’t be disappointed, again.

I love the idea of love, I know that I am loved, I really don’t need a day for people to show me love, I get it daily.

Thanks Hallmark, Papyrus, Carlton et al, this year I will keep my $6.00.

 

I Need To Do Better October 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Christa @ 11:25 am
Tags: , , , ,

Not my finest moment

I have always vowed to not be ‘that mother’. You know, the one we all judge. The one losing her shit on her kid at the mall. I had that mother. I did use the word ‘had’.

I maintain that I am not her, and will not make her mistakes. I am a fantastic mother, I work hard at it everyday, but I do have a temper. Just like her, and now, I have realised, she did the best she could with the skills she had.

Before Paisley, I would think nothing of getting into an all out shouting match with Shaughn. It was how I was raised. We would argue and I would forget it an hour later, while he was still nursing his wounds. I did not fight fair. I called names, I blamed, I swore, and mostly I was a bitch.

Then came along my daughter. My protegé, the child who will one day swear she will NOT be me. She will tell her friends about all the mistakes I made in raising her, and she will vehemently pledge that she will not make the same choices in raising her child. And then one day, she will do what I did last night.

We recently adopted a new cat, her name is Alice and she is now close to 6 months. Still a baby in my eyes. Paisley adores Alice, Alice does not reciprocate those feelings. She tolerates the petting, the holding and the picking up. She is a really good cat. My three-year old is not a good cat owner. She picks that poor cat up, she holds her down while she pets her fur backwards, she tries to carry her around like a baby. Typical behaviour for a three-year old.

Yesterday, said three-year old wanted to see if the cat would land on all four paws from the top of a flight of steps. The cat flew, but thankfully I was there to catch her. No easy feat to catch a cat who is freaking the hell out because a well-meaning, and interested child just hurled her down 15 steps. Thankfully I caught the cat. I wish I had caught a reign on my temper with the same dexterity and grace that I used to catch Alice.

I stomped my ass up the stairs and I laid in to my daughter, “don’t you EVER pick up that goddamn cat again. If I see you picking her up, I will fucking call the vet and take her back. Get to your room now or I will get you there. Go.”

Yes, I said those words. I did not yell them (I don’t think I did anyway), but as soon as they left my mouth I regretted each of them. As Paisley stood there with tears in her eyes (I think more from the fact that I was going to get rid of her cat, not the fact that I was as angry as I was) I saw the last 7 years of my life happen.

I remember when Shaughn and I decided to try to start having kids, I remembered the first and second miscarriages. I remember vowing to be the best mother ever if God would just give me a baby to hold and love. I remembered the crazy infertility drugs and schedules, I remembered the heartbreak each month when I was pregnant. I would make deals with God, I would go to mass every Sunday, I would volunteer…I remember getting pregnant, and then finding out that she too probably wouldn’t make it. More deals with God. And I remember the day that all my prayers were answered, and my baby was born against all odds, and she was perfect. She is perfect.

And now, indelibly marked in my mind, will forever be the day that I swore at my daughter, over a cat.  I am beyond ashamed. I am mortified. I could cry.

I am stressed beyond belief these days, Shaughn leaves us at 8:45, not to be seen until 10pm. My job is long, and with no help after work things just seem that much longer. I feel like a guitar string that is pulled taut, and one wrong movement, I’m going to break. Well, I did break.

I know I need to do better, and I will do better. I apologised to Pais after I had calmed down, I explained that I was feeling angry, but that doesn’t mean that I can say mean things to the people I love. She was just worried I was going to give the cat away.

I am still figuring this mothering thing out. I am really trying to figure out the single mothering thing. I have a whole new respect for people raising children partnerless. My hat goes off to all of you.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. A shoulder. A lecture. Anything. Feel free to admonish.

 

No Cable? Say What? August 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Christa @ 5:43 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Silently Staring The Child Zombie Learns About Her World

Two months ago we decided to get rid of our cable. This was not an easy decision, and it was one that we had been talking about for well over 2 years. How ridiculous, to discuss cable for two years, but that is how long it took us to make the final decision.

Firstly, let me tell you, we did not have ‘fancy cable’ we had 63 reliable channels, there was no HD, no Digital Boxes, No TeVo, No Movie Channels, nothing that would lure our friends to our house on a Saturday night to watch the game. We don’t have a big screen, surround sound, or even comfy lazy boy recliners.  We are basic folks, with basic tv. Now we are basic folk with no tv.

Let me preface that I am a self-confessed TV junkie. I love my soap opera, I love reality tv; I haven’t seen a ‘Real Housewife’ that I didn’t love. I practically counted the days each year until the newest season of Big Brother started. I loved to just veg out after a long day and watch an hour of TV before bed.

Ok, re-read that last sentence. I loved to just veg out after a long day and watch an hour of TV before bed. An hour. Yep, that’s about it. so I was paying roughly $3.33 to watch one hour of TV a day. Now, not only did I watch very little TV, but Shaughn, he watched even less. Couple that with the fact that we only really watched about 10 of the 63 channels, and you get a big old pile of STUPID. What were we doing? Why? DUH!

Eventually I convinced Shaughn of the stupidity also, it took some doing, but we figured it out. We realised just how much our daughter watched TV, and how frightening her reaction was when we turned it off. We realised how much we both missed reading, and what we were missing by turning on the boob tube each night.

So we got rid of the cable. We do watch movies occasionally, but for the most part we read. We have a shared Kindle, and we read, read and read. It is AMAZING. We had both lost our love for books over the last few years, sad but true.

Why, as a society are we so addicted to the idiot box? For me, I know it was far easier to find something totally mindless and to zone out, rather than to spend the time and to actually use my brain to read, or to play with my girl, or to talk with Shaughn. I would sit and watch the latest shows, mostly trash. There are less and less shows with any substance, and more and more crap. How many times does Maury have to test the paternity of a single child? Does Springer need to show another Hillbilly Wedding? Really?

Why are we choosing to pollute our minds with this? And not just us, but our children too? Does Backyardigans really teach our children anything? One might say it’s teaching children to use their imaginations, but really? Wouldn’t it be far better to turn it off, and have US the parents teach our children to use their imaginations? I would be embarrassed to say that Sesame Street taught my child how to count or her ABC’s.  I’m not saying I’m a saint. Hell no. I freely admit to putting an episode of Dora on while I am trying to make an important phone call, or making dinner. The point is, it’s one episode (23 minutes of quiet) and it’s not daily.

I know this post won’t convince anyone else to give up their cable, that’s cool. Hopefully though this post will inspire you to think twice about that book that you want to read, and you’ll pick it up and actually read it, or instead of wishing you had more time to play with your child, you will turn off  the TV, and get down and dirty in the sandbox, putting both of your imaginations to good use.

 

 

Gratitude August 28, 2011

I need to remember to be grateful.

As I sit here by myself, which as anyone who knows me is a rare occurence; I am again reminded that I need to re-focus my thoughts and actions.

I have been quite consumed of late. I have been worried, sad, scared. I have been wrapping my brain around little more than what has been going on within our house. I have been a bad friend, a not so hot wife, and I would not win ‘Mother Of The Year’ based on the last months performance.

I am sure many, many people go through the same thing when they get bad news.  I think it’s natural to turn inward, to want to ignore the rest of the world. Work, friends and family seems too hard to handle, a trip to the park almost like climbing Everest. We do it because we have to. We work to earn money, we cook dinner because the family has to eat, and we go to the park just incase we ARE in the running for Mother Of The Year; but we sure as hell don’t want to.

This is the bubble I have been in for a month. I have been living life by rote. Doing what I need to do, but certainly not living. To be honest, I’m not sure anyone else even noticed. I did what I had to do, what I needed to do. I also avoided the things that I love. My friends took a backseat, I havent been as dedicated to the gym, and my eating hasn’t been nearly as clean as it has been. I was so wrapped up in the future, I forgot to live for today.

I forgot the reason I was going to the gym was to better myself, to set a good example for Paisley. I forgot, that I needed friends, and that right now, I needed them more than ever. I didn’t try to be  a great wife, knowing that Shaughn was feeling much the same, and that he would of course forgive me. I have been so worried about the ‘what if’s’.

A friend, a true friend, and she knows who she is has given me the kick in the ass that I needed. That’s how I know she’s the real deal. She said that she realises that life is not so great right now, but that it’s not a good enough reason to stop the things that are important to me.  Now, when she said it, she wasn’t nearly as nice. She’s pretty blunt, and doesn’t mince words. She calls a stone a stone.

So, after the talk, I began to take stock. I looked at my life from a different angle. I have been focussing on what really matters. The here and now. I need to be grateful for the wonderful life I have. My wonderful family, and friends. I have to rededicate myself to continuing to better myself physically. I have to stop worrying about what may, or may not happen.

I live this beautiful life, with people who care about me, and how I could be so self-absorbed to not notice or care, I don’t know. I’m ashamed to be honest.

So now, I am hopefully back. I feel back. I feel better, and whole. I have accepted that there will be bumps in the road, but I will have to deal with them as they come, I can’t live waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Today, I am grateful for life; mine, their’s, and yours.

 

 
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