An Update November 30, 2012

Finally Feeling like me again.

I’ve not posted recently, life is back to its normal routine. I work, I sleep, I work, I sleep. I’ve had so many changes in the last 6 months, it’s just now, that I’m learning to live in my new reality.

I guess my health first. I am cancer free. As in none. All Clear. BEST NEWS EVER. I have a visit with my oncologist Monday, not a visit really, but you know…after that I have a 6 month appointment, then one at a year post op. I generally feel fantastic, I’m pretty well healed up, I’m trying to view my horrible incision as a battle scar. I had cancer, I beat it, and I have the war wound to prove it. No more low-rise jeans, bring on the highrise Mom Jeans…fml. Oh well.

My energy is at an all time low. I liken it to the days when I had a 3 week old and the adrenaline of a new babe has worn off and I was up every 2 hours feeding…I’m that kind of tired. My sleep is often interrupted by hot flashes, dreams, and just the inability to sleep. It’s all kinds of suck ass but I know it will improve, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I’ve decided at this point to stop HRT, so I guess I’m willingly putting myself through menopause…kinda sadistic. I’m doing it for good reason though. The women in my family seem to be afflicted with the BCRA1 and BCRA2 genes, the ones directly involved with both breast and ovarian cancer. I don’t have ovaries, but I have BOOOOOBS…two of them in fact. The HRT, although it was a very low dose, can still effect my chances of developing cancer, and if I also have the gene, then I’m even more so putting myself in direct risk of developing breast cancer. I just beat it once, let’s not test the fates shall we? So, no more HRT. I can tell you it is the pits. I can’t imagine hot flashes are awesome at any age, but at 35, I feel ridiculous. Thankfully it’s winter and I can quickly relieve symptoms (which I did at 4:30 this morning by standing outside in my night-shirt until the searing heat radiating off me subsided). I have an appointment scheduled with my GP to be referred to the geneticist to have the testing for the BCRA genes. So, fingers crossed it’s quick to get in, the results come quickly, and that I manage to dodge the bullet. If not it’ll be another surgery to remove the ‘girls’. On the plus side, if that happens, you can damn well bet, when I come out of surgery, I’m going to have fake tits that make a 17-year-old highschool senior jealous!

The second of the big changes has been my separation. This too is going well. We are doing divorce well. Is that even possible? Happily Divorced? Funny but it fits. Things had been a titch rocky, but now for the most part we are doing great. Shaughn is being a fantastic dad, which he always has been, and is better at being a friend to me. He has joined Paisley and I for dinner, and things (although slightly awkward) went well. I hope this can continue.

I like our friendship, I do not want a romantic relationship. I’m happy. Like Super fucking happy. It’s hard being a single mum; Really Really Tough, but I love it. I love the time I get to spend with Pais, I’m much happier, our house if filled with much more laughter, dancing, and joy. God knows I needed more Joy. I am enjoying my time with Pais, we are doing really fun things together that we just didn’t do. There was always someplace to go, or someplace to be. There wasn’t much time for kitchen parties, blaring Taylor Swift and singing into wooden spoons…now there is.

Paisley and I have a new and different relationship. I’m no longer competing with Shaughn for her attention, her world no longer revolves around him being home. That sounds horrible, but really that is how things have felt for the last almost 5 years. If Shaughn was home Paisley was glued to him. In many ways I don’t feel she and I were able to have a good relationship because she was too busy being with him. Nowadays she and I are close. Super close. I love it! She and Shaughn talk daily, and she sees him quite often. But when she’s with me, she’s with me. There are a lot more snuggles, books being read, letters being printed, singing and dancing. There is more My Little Pony play instead of watching, and lots of fun outings. I think we are both loving our new life.

I have a new post starting in my head, so I am going to sign off, I will try to post more now that life has found its new normal. Thank you to everyone for all the amazing words of support and kindness. Thank you for the words of encouragement to start writing again, sometimes I just need that little kick in the pants to get going again.

A Letter To My Friends… March 14, 2012

Dear Friends,

Thank you for being wonderful, thank you for taking the time to listen, to laugh, and to try to understand me. Thank you for not trying to fix me, or my life. I don’t need fixing, I need a shoulder, and yours are ever so broad.

Thank you for showing me the lines in the sand aren’t always as they seem, that no issues are black and white; there are often undertones of grey and  blue. Thank you for accepting  my idiosyncrasies, my tendencies for neurotic, and my general stupidity. I often need to put my foot in my mouth, yet you never make me feel bad about it.

My dear friends, thank you for being you. I admire the people you are. On this life’s journey we have to take paths, and they can lead us and branch off so many ways. I am glad the path I chose led me to you. I have wondered what my life would be like without you in it; not hearing your laughter or voice, I wonder if there would be someone else if it hadn’t been you? I highly doubt it.

I need you to know how important you are to me, I need you to know that your opinions do matter, that I value your insight and wisdom. I need you to know that when I laugh with you, it comes from my heart, you are clever and I like that a lot.

Please don’t worry about running out of things to talk about, I’m sure that won’t happen, but if it does we can figure it out. Thank you for trying to teach me, for being a champion of my causes, for late night conversations, and a million text messages. They help me get through my life; being a work at home mama is a tough job, and often you are the only adult I speak in 10 hours.

My friends, thank you for getting excited over the little things with me, I know you could care less about finding worms with the kids, but to me it is important, and I appreciate your excitement too. I love being silly with you, it makes me feel young.

Finally, in each of your own ways, you have helped me to become a better, stronger, and happier person, what more could I ever ask for?

X’s and O’s,

C.

Absence, And Coming Back. February 10, 2012

it's been awhile...

I was on a bit of a blogging hiatus, I’m not sure why. I think sometimes life is just so overwhelming that I cannot think about much more than getting through my day, and counting the hours until I can go to sleep. Given the fact that my life is so hectic, when I sleep, I sleep well, deep, and un-dreaming. It’s that total state of absence. I don’t hear Shaughn come to bed, I don’t remember tossing or turning; often times, I wake the same way I fell asleep.

I miss blogging. It is a great outlet for me,  a way for me to organise my thoughts, and to remember things.

Shaughn is also absent from our lives a lot these days, he will leave for work around 8:45 on a good day, and I won’t see him until 10 that night. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t impacting our marriage. I miss my partner, my love, my person. Often when he gets home he is beyond exhausted, and certainly not in the head space for meaningful conversations, or talk of bill payments and laundry. Most nights I go to bed alone while he works on homework for the next night. I have learned to cherish our short weekends, our family time.

I have had to let a lot go these last few months, I am not nearly as concerned with my windows and floors, laundry is always at the bottom of my list…My main priority has been Paisley, trying to be a great Mummy while balancing the rest of my life. I’m doing ok with it, granted there are days when I’m not going to win Mother of The Year, but there are others when she just looks up at me and says ‘I love you Mummy’ that I know I’m not doing too bad of job.

I know my absence has been felt within my circle of friends, with them checking in occasionally to make sure I’m still treading water. I feel isolated much of the time, with my only connection to the outside world being the radio and text messages I share during the day. It’s not all doom and gloom, my brother (read: Saint) picks me up every Tuesday to take Paisley out for dinner while I grocery shop for the week. Weekends I usually get out for a bit, thankfully otherwise I might just lose my mind entirely.

I’m going to try to be less absent from this blog, I feel like I need to get my words on paper, to focus my thoughts, and to be more introspective. So, please forgive me if I am not posting regularly, forgive me for my absence, and if another hiatus is looming in my future, please pre-forgive that one too.

Cooking 101 September 5, 2011

Yep, that's how we roll....

As you read recently, part of my new life include being organised enough to PLAN and PREPARE dinners.

For starters, I love to cook. I really enjoy it, what I don’t enjoy is following recipes, so much so, that I have a beautiful recipe box that is nearly empty. I love to experiment in the kitchen, add a bit of this and that. I usually come out with winners, but I will admit, I’ve had a few failures!

The last few years, we have been coasting when it has come to food. We have eaten out far too much, and the meals I have prepared, have generally been quicker and convenient rather than healthy.

So, I enrolled with a menu planning site called Relish, www.relish.com, which I found on The Bloggess’ blog,  http://thebloggess.com/ (incidentally, she has a promo code for 20% off!) (I also happen to LOVE her blog, you should read it too!).

Now, you might think to yourself, ‘WTF? Can she not pick up a cookbook and write the recipe out, and make up her own shopping list?’ Well, the short answer is, Yes, yes I can. The longer answer is, No. I will not take the time or energy required to do it. I am LAZY!  That cute 1950’s Mom, with the incredibly well stocked fridge, that is super neat and tidy – I am not anywhere close to her.  I am the ‘open the fridge, smell the crisper, close the fridge, open the freezer and grab chicken fingers and frozen veg’ kind of Mum.  Well, I was that kind of Mum. See, I figure if I say it enough, I will just automatically be the perfectly made up, pressed dress, über 1950’s Mom that every kid and husband dream about.

I spent much of my afternoon making three meals, two soups, and tonight’s dinner. Things turned out well. The first soup, a tortellini soup is a little bland, I may need to doctor it up when I take it out of the freezer to eat it, the second soup is AWESOME! It is a lasagna soup, which was totally flavourful, and yummy. The dinner was steak with mushrooms, shallots and gorgonzola cheese, and polenta….which turned out I think. I’m not really sure what polenta is supposed to be like, but mine was kinda like a whipped potato consistency. It was ok. I think it REALLY needs doctoring up.

I don’t know what I am making tomorrow, but I have my choice of 6 dishes, and I have all of the groceries that I need to prepare each one of them. I guess I’ll see what strikes my fancy tomorrow. So wish me luck, I know I will need it, I’m not super Mom, I’m incredibly disorganised Mum. I’m not put together as much as I am thrown together. I don’t try to keep up with the Jones’, because I don’t really care. I’m just going to work my way through this next year one meal, one recipe, one bit of organisation at a time.

Waiting For Autumn September 4, 2011

As a new season is upon us, I can't help but be happy for the change.

As most of you know, I’ve kind of had a shitty summer. Work has been less than satisfying, my vacation was challenging, and to top everything off the news of Paisley’s MHO.

So, now I’m waiting for Autumn. I am waiting for crisp mornings, where you can breathe in the cool air. I am waiting to see the children walk down the road with their new backpacks, and sneakers. I am waiting for the smog of Southern Ontario to clear, and the gorgeous sunny days to come out. I can’t wait to see pots of fall mums, and to go apple picking in the orchard.

I am looking forward to the leaves changing, and eventually falling off. I can’t wait to see Pais jumping in the mountainous piles that the 7 trees in our yard make! She had so much fun doing that last year.

With the autumn comes death, the leaves die, the grass becomes dormant, as the earth rotates on its axis and our days become shorter and our nights longer. I get up in the dark, and finish work in the dark. The days are challenging, but there is nothing better than snuggling in on a cool night.

I am ready to leave this summer behind. I am ready for a new beginning, even if that beginning is really an end. I need some new perspective.

This autumn will bring my family many new challenges, Shaughn is starting school again, we have welcomed a girl from China into our home as she studies English, I have a new daycare child starting after saying goodbye to another. I will essentially be a single Mum five nights a week, and truthfully – I’m scared shitless. But again, I look forward to a change of pace and a change of scenery.

I am determined to be more organised, I have menu plans ready to go, cleaning schedules in the making. I have childcare arranged for when I need it, and my gym schedule is set. I feel pretty good about the changes I have made, and I don’t know that I could be more ready for what is about to happen, but as we all know, we can’t predict the future and I’m sure I will encounter some craziness.

So as autumn creeps up on me, I again look forward to what is to come, I am going to embrace the crazy, cherish each day with my girl, be open to the inevitable changes upon me, and above all be thankful for my beautiful life.

Warrior Mummy August 14, 2011

I need to be strong for her, I need to find support for us both.

A friend of mine Kristin, called me a Warrior Mummy last week. Those two words really made me think, and they have been stuck in my head like a brain worm, that song that just repeats over and over.

Warrior Mummy.

Am I a Warrior Mummy? If I’m not one now, can I be one? How do I go about becoming one? Am I strong enough?

I have spent most of my free time this week researching, reading, and digesting every bit of information I can about Multiple Hereditary Osteochondromatosis. I am determined to not be misinformed, or uninformed. I want to know it inside, outside, and then, I want to know more. Needless to say, my brain is feeling a little mushy, but I think I have a handle on things. I am not feeling as overwhelmed as I was a week ago, yet, I seem to be blogging about it at 2 am again…coincidence?

Ok, so fine, I’m still not sleeping so shit hot, but with all this medical mumbo jumbo running through my head it’s nearly impossible.

On my journeys researching on the World Wide Web, I have been looking for online support groups for people who have MHO, I have found 4 now; 3 of which are American, one for children, one run by a man in his 60’s and another that I don’t feel very welcome in…perhaps it’s because I’m Canadian? I also found another one because I have an AMAZING friend Jack in the UK who did some research for me too. The UK group was also unwelcoming, because I wasn’t a resident of the UK, somehow their information wouldn’t be as useful, or the parents and children there feel things differently than the kids here do…I don’t know, or understand. What was intoned, was that I wasn’t welcome. There are NO Canadian support groups. NONE! ZIPPO! ZILCH! ZERO!

Which brings me back full circle to Warrior Mummy. A part of me is wondering how many other Canadian families have been looking for a support group? There are only about 1000 people in the whole country who have this condition, but I’m sure that they have been looking for help, just like I have been. Maybe, I’m the Warrior Mummy, maybe I am the one who should be starting a group? Maybe I need to be a better advocate for Paisley, and other children just like her?

So, now I am going to figure out how to make a webpage. I am going to start an online Canadian support group. By Canadians, for Canadians. I might be the only member, but that’s ok. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know HTML, I barely managed to set this blog up by myself, but I will do this. I will do this for Paisley and for other families who are in the same shoes that I am in.

I will do this because I am going to be:

Warrior Mummy.

Banning Children From Upscale Dining – Hells Yes! July 18, 2011

Is this what a 4 year old wants to eat?

My husband and I have been discussing this topic at length since it was brought up a week or so ago.

We are the parents of a 3-year-old, an incredibly well-behaved 3-year-old that we would take anywhere.
That being said, we would not take her to a fine dining establishment, and we would support a ban on children in one.

I agree that we as parents need to teach our children proper etiquette and manners, but the point is MANY PARENTS DON’T! And why should the patrons in a restaurant suffer because of lack of parenting?

My husband and I were celebrating a milestone, at a very upscale restaurant, and for the whole meal we were so fortunate enough to listen to a 4-year-old screaming because they didn’t serve Mac and Cheese, his younger sister running around the restaurant and yelling. When we asked the server about having the family asked to look after their children he replied that they had been, but that they were also paying customers.

In today’s day and age, where parents spend less time parenting and teaching and more time friending and hanging with their children, it is harder and harder to go any restaurant without dealing with this. I sure as heck don’t want to pay $150 for a meal that I have to listen to the above happen.

That being said, I have no issue with children in restaurants if it is a family restaurant. I’m not talking McDonald’s, and other fast food places, I’m referring to places like Kelsey’s, or East Side Mario’s, where they actually have a children’s menu, and crayons for children. When I go to a place like that, I expect children, and am not upset when they become upset. It happens.

With so many places to eat, I wonder why parents take their small children to upscale dining establishments.

I know occasionally for many parent’s, myself included, that childcare can be an issue, especially when in another city visiting. On these occasions we just haven’t gone, we are upfront and honest with the people who invited us, that we don’t think it’s appropriate for our daughter to attend this function as she is only 3. That we wouldn’t want her to disrupt any of the other patrons. Simple.

I applaud restaurants for setting age limits, if they don’t, and ask families to leave because of unruly children, they are automatically the ‘bad guy’, not the family with the children. By setting an age limit, there are no bad guys, children just aren’t allowed. If parents don’t like it, then don’t frequent that restaurant on Date Night. It’s simple.

Just my two cents.

What Do You Think?

Life Update – Regaining My Sanity July 16, 2011

I'm not THIS peaceful yet...but I'll get there

It’s been a few challenging months for me. But I am starting to feel better, I am starting to look forward, and I am starting to be more hopeful.

I’ve discovered the small changes I have been making have seemed to make all the difference in my work life, my home life, and in my own mental well-being.

The biggest thing, and I wish I wasn’t serious, but believe me its soooo true….I have been referring to the daycare kids as ‘Love’ or ‘Lovey” like a pet name. It has helped to remind me that even if I am at my WITS end with this child, that they deserve my love, and even if at that moment I don’t like them, deep down (and sometimes it’s REALLY deep down) I do love each and every one of them.

I have also decided to shelf all of my worry for the autumn. I have decided to enjoy our short summer, and not worry about what September will bring.  I can’t change things, I can’t worry about the unknown, if I continue to, I will make myself certifiable. I know that eventually things will work out, they have to. I don’t have a choice but to be a Mum, I don’t have the choice as to work or not, to go to the gym, swimming lessons, gymnastics, karate…I have to keep doing what I do, just as a single Mummy. I know how much I am going to miss our family time, but that will just make me treasure our weekends and time together more. S is doing this to better himself, and ultimately our family. I am so proud of him.

I have continued to faithfully go to the gym, and I love it! When I don’t work out, I feel like ass. When I do, I feel like a million dollars! I have ramped up my gym days to five a week. When I get home after my holidays, I will be adding weight training into my schedule. The end result is to keep my sanity in check, and to continue to work towards a healthier me.

So, for now, life is moseying along. I am happier at work, at home, and play. We are looking forward to some time away to visit our relatives out west, and are practically counting the hours. Miss P can’t wait for the airplane, and to swim in the lake, I can’t wait to sit on the dock with my Kindle and read from morning till night (of course with the occasional swim and sauna thrown in for good measure).

I will continue on this adventure, because it is Mi Adventure.

XO

I Wish I Had Been Able To Write This…. July 7, 2011

Friends For Now...Not Forever

I wish I had been able to write the following post:

http://greatsmitten.com/2011/07/06/meet-my-friend/

It was written in a blog called ‘Great Smitten’. I throughly enjoy the blog, I suggest you read some of her stuff.

Anyways, I digress. Her post yesterday was about this amazing friend she has, who she has been friends with since college, they have been through it all together, and have managed to stay true friends through it all. I can’t write a post like that. Not because I can’t write, but because I don’t seem to keep friends for long periods.

That sounds really bad. I have many friends, men and women I chat with daily, weekly and monthly, but I don’t have that best friend. I don’t have that person who I know I can tell ANYTHING to and they won’t judge me, or the situation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and why this is the case. I think I  have a few theories but who knows, I could be way off base.

Firstly, for me, I think people come into my life for a reason, that reason may not be clear at first, but, I think that everyone I know has a purpose. That purpose might be for their benefit or mine, but when that purpose has been fulfilled, then like the wind they are gone again. They may pop up in the future, they may just stay where they are. I’m not upset with this, it’s just the way it is.

A few years ago when I was on maternity leave I met an amazing woman named Jen. She also had a ‘freshie’ as we like to call newborns – straight out of the oven so to speak. We became fast friends, she was new to the city and would only be here for a year or two while her partner finished her midwifery training. Jen and I hung out with our girls at least weekly, and often got through cold winter days and night-time feedings on the phone or texting for hours on end. Eventually Jen had to go back to Toronto, unfortunately it came sooner than either one of us expected, but she had to go. That year, Jen and I had shared so many ‘firsts’ with each other that we couldn’t share with our working partners. When her daughter sat up for the first time I got a picture and a phone call with a “WOOOO HOOOOOOO!”, when my daughter was cutting 3 teeth at the same time Jen listened to me whine and cry as she held my crying, whiny baby. Jen was put into my life because during that part of my life, I needed someone like me, with similar values, and interests. I needed someone who was just as new at the Mummy Game, as I was. Jen and I remain friends, but it will never be the same. I miss her terribly, but again, it is what it is.

I have a few friends from Highschool, again, we are friendly and I value them, but we were much closer in highschool, sharing lockers, stories about boys we had crushes on, and cursing the fact that we had to wear collars for our school dress code in the 30 degree temperatures.

I often wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. Am I not attentive enough, am I a shitty friend? Don’t I call enough or hang out enough? Perhaps I am a selfish friend, making it solely about me, but I don’t think so. I think part of my problem is the opposite. I give all I have and am often let down. I know that I might intimidate people because I am passionate about certain things, but I am always willing to listen to different points of view, and can even be swayed if your argument is good!

Ugh, I really don’t know.

All of the above being said, I’m not sure I will ever have what Faith has in the Great Smitten. I think I am ok with the way my friendships work. I don’t begrudge anyone who has faded out of my life, and generally they seem to fade back in again when the time is right. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded with people who love and care for me…even if it is just for a short time.

Mi New Outlook, Mi New Adventure, Mi Life Is A-Changin’ July 3, 2011

'Werk It Gurl'

I am feeling a little out of control these days as evidenced by my lack of posting, and my previous post, in which I believe I used the word FUCK several times.

I am still saying a lot of ‘Fucks’, but for different reasons. Shall we start from the beginning?

I used to love my job, I would get up each morning, get dressed, do my hair, even throw on some mascara. I would socialise with my co-workers, talk about TV, gossip about other co-workers, bitch about my husband. I was making decent enough wages, had full benefits, 3 vacation weeks a year, and a boss who appreciated me. That was before I opened my own home childcare after having Miss P.

I have had some serious job dissatisfaction of late. I am tired of unappreciative parents, I am tired of working 10.5 hour days making less than minimum wage per child. I am tired of the vomit, shit, and other bodily fluids I encounter on a daily basis.  Let’s just say on a scale of one to ten, I often feel about a minus fifteen. Overall, the children I work with are lovely. Several of them I have had with me since they were a year old. I have seen many firsts, and enjoyed them. It’s the other crap I hate.

I am stuck in this job for at least two more years, so I have started to examine my life, and make changes for myself, to help me feel better, be a better Mum, and caregiver to the children I work with. I have begun small meditations before bed each night, reminding myself to be patient, kind and loving to everyone in my life. It doesn’t always work, but I feel better. I joined a gym, and have been going religiously for 3 weeks. I go 4 days a week, and mix classes in with machines. I am loving it, it has been a HUGE stress relief and the physical results don’t suck either. I have an amazing workout buddy that I have really begun to value as a friend. She is getting me through the tough shit with humour and her practical “deal with it” attitude. To go with my new-found love of the gym, I have been eating super clean. My body is my temple and I should treat it as such…I’ve always thought of that as a crock of shit, I still do, but belive it or not, I really do feel better.

In amongst all of my ‘life changes’, my husband, who has been doing his own soul-searching has finally decided to go back to school. Yep, the guy with  double major university degree, who spends his days designing and making signs is going back to school. He has chosen to take a Personal Support Worker programme that has been consolidated into 9 months in the evening, allowing him to work full-time in the day.

This is a big FUCK. On one hand, I am so proud, excited, and amazed that he is entering such a noble field, on the other hand, I am scared shitless. How am I going to handle my life, and essentially being a single parent? How am I going to juggle swimming lessons, karate, my gym time, my job, cooking, cleaning, and some semblance of a family life on my own?

S has been MY rock, my “go to” guy. He is the one I bitch to, complain to, yell at, and cry to when I am having another terrible day. In September, I will only see him in the morning for an hour, and then on the weekends. He will leave at 8:45 am, and be home at 11:00pm each night. How am I not going to lose it? How am I going to support the guy who gives me all the support? FUCK!

So, what I have decided for the next two months, is to forget about school, forget about the impending life changes, forget about my crazy job, and I am going to focus on me. I am going to focus on me getting stronger, healthier – both physically and mentally, I am going to focus on being a better wife, and mother. I am worth it, and seeing how much I am giving up in the fall, I think I have the right to be selfish right now.

So, on that note, Fuck, here’s to all the good stuff that’s going to happen this summer.